Life is a roller coaster. We spend forever standing in line so we can slowly clank-clank-clank to the top. From there, it's thrilling dips and hair-graying drops - until suddenly it's over too soon.
And instead of enjoying it, we sit there worrying about the wrong things. Is my car far enough in front? Will my hat fly off? Do I dare to let go for a second? Does this thing come equipped with air bags?
We worry about ozone, AIDS, alar, cholesterol, radon, UV rays, second-hand smoke, liquor ads on TV, radiation, polluted water, handguns, poison burgers, Freon, acid rain, DDT, STD, TNT and mad cows.
Then the Almighty Practical Joker yanks us right off the ride with a big surprise: The scariest, most dangerous thing we do is something so comfortable and familiar we hardly pay attention to it. It's something we do while eating, combing our hair, changing CDs, talking on the phone, picking our ... teeth, arguing with talk-radio or meditating in a state of oblivious tranquillity.
It's driving.
Here's the joke: Forget about the DDT - worry about DUIs. Never mind the mad cows - it's the mad drivers that could smash your life in a sudden swerve, and leave you in a smoking tangle of scrapyard wreckage. Don't worry about disconnecting the air bags in your car - worry about the explosive airheads in the other cars.
You may have seen the report by the Automobile Association of America that found fear of aggressive drivers (40 percent) now exceeds fear of drunk drivers (30 percent). Fear of aggressive drunks must be 100 percent.
You may have seen the description of ''road rage'' by Ricardo Martinez of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration: ''They run stop signs and red lights. They speed, tailgate, weave in and out of traffic, pass on the right, make improper and unsafe lane changes, make hand and face gestures, scream, honk and flash their lights.''
You may have seen your own deranged red face in that cracked mirror.
You have certainly seen the imbeciles who think every highway is their private road-test track; the four-wheel psychopaths who would gleefully kill more people than the Oklahoma City bomber just to be first in line on the exit ramp to Materialworld Mall. Tower-shooters in Toyotas. Serial killers in Chevrolets.
On the day before Thanksgiving, Renae Andrews, 29, and another driver, Tracie Alfieri, 23, played a high-speed game of bumper-tag on I-71. Ms. Alfieri apparently won; Ms. Andrews lost her unborn child when she crashed into the rear of a parked tractor-trailer rig. She was still in serious condition last week.
Lt. Mike Daudistel of Silverton Police investigated. He called it ''a demolition derby kind of thing.'' Driver A cuts in front of Driver B. Driver B honks. Driver A flips a digit, and it's the chariot race from Ben Hur at 75 mph.
A week after the accident, Lt. Daudistel was still unable to get a statement from Ms. Andrews between surgeries. ''Evidence and statements indicate that two drivers had a dispute, and there is reason to believe that was the cause of the accident,'' he said. ''We will be talking to prosecutors.''
He explained: ''If you run a stop sign and hit someone by accident, that's one thing. If you deliberately cause them to crash because you're mad, that's something else.''
Yes, it is. Three lives totaled by a few seconds of reckless anger. Those women and their families - and so many like them - are now plunged into a dark place of pain, grief and anguish.
For some reason, I've seen more than my share of deranged road warriors. Maybe I'm an exceptionally annoying driver. Maybe I'm a magnet for morons. Or maybe highway hostility is a contagious epidemic.
Usually, I expect it from some cementhead in a jacked-up pickup, like the guy who attached himself to my rear bumper like a lamprey, turned on his brights and followed me for miles the other night because I dared to pull out onto his personal road. Or the gun-waving lunatic I saw on I-71 two years ago.
But they can be anyone - women, men, young, old - sitting in the cars right behind you. So don't provoke them, don't speed up if they try to pass, don't display their age and IQ on one finger.
Instead, stay cool and remember what Lt. Daudistel said: ''The vehicle is a weapon. I'm sure neither of the people involved in this accident had any intention of this result. But it should be a wake-up call to a lot of people ... If I cut someone off or give them the finger or don't pay attention, I'm responsible. Whatever the results are, I'm responsible.''
Better to lose face than your life. Besides, you could get a ticket - on a roller coaster ride to an early grave.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
