When it comes to German history, I'm no Marge Schott. But I've heard that Prince Otto von Bismarck was famous for more than a battleship and a jelly-dripping donut. He was the guy who said that laws are like sausage - you don't want to see either one being made.
That should be carved over the doors at every statehouse to protect visitors from attacks of nausea.
And there should be warning labels on the finished products: "Caution - reading the ingredients could make you lose your appetite or even your lunch."
However: If you have the stomach for it, the Columbus sausage grinder that packed a two-year, $1.6 billion state construction bill with a pot of $125 million for Ohio cities, can offer quite an education.
It's like a cross between civics and Darwinian natural selection: "Your Tax Dollars at Work Ensuring Survival of the Fittest Hogs at the Trough."
Here in Porkopolis, our Darwinian struggle began weeks ago when city and county officials huddled together to dicker out a $31 million shopping list. Compared to years when our request was turned in like an overdue term paper scrawled on the back of Cliffs Notes, this year's effort was actually organized.
City Manager John Shirey said he and Hamilton County Administrator David Krings approached Gov. George Voinovich "like a tag-team. . . . We couldn't have done anything more to demonstrate that we were working together."
Sure, their wish list was padded with parking garages and other disposable byproducts. But cities are expected to cram 10 pounds of filler into a five-pound casing, so state officials can wave their cleavers and advertise, "New and Improved - Reduced Fat!"
"The number for Cincinnati was $20 million or $25 million - something in that vicinity," Mr. Shirey said. "Did we expect $31 million? No, that was our total list."
The deal was done like a Sunday ham - until someone asked about the governor's promise of $81 million for new stadiums.
"Indications all along were that the state would deal with that in some way outside the community projects budget, but that 'some way' was never defined," Mr. Shirey said.
Local leaders scrambled to get a grip on something in writing, or even a quote from the governor, but it was like chasing a greased pig. And when they were told by state officials that the stadium cash would have to come out of their wish-list money, the local tag-team began to look more like Frazier and Ali.
That's when Senate President Stanley Aronoff did what he's been doing for decades and pulled Cincinnati's bacon from the flames. After watching local leaders walk out of one meeting and fail to show up for another, he joked: "When they say they are unified, they are unified if we write a check for $80 million for the stadium and another $31-million check for the city."
When locals griped that the governor's promise was a rubber check, Sen. Aronoff warned them: Sit tight, be quiet and you'll hit the jackpot.
As usual, he delivered. Cincinnati will get more than ever from his last budget before retirement: nearly $30 million, if you include almost $4 million passed under the table through the University of Cincinnati.
And that's not all. As of this year, Ohio's fattest hog, Cleveland, got $57 million from the state since 1985 for its Gateway and stadium projects - yet smaller Cincinnati is promised $81 million for projects the same size.
"But it won't come all in one check," Sen. Aronoff warned. "The governor is saying, 'Here's a pot - you decide how to spend it."'
Squeezing stadiums into a generic wrapper was important in Columbus. A Dayton lawmaker held hearings to block stadium aid - until he was bought off with a $15 million research park. Other lawmakers still gagged and nearly killed stadium money for Cleveland and Cincinnati, until they surrendered at 2 a.m. Friday morning.
So, if the Senate approves next week, Porkopolis, with 8 percent of the state's population, will snag about a quarter of the Ohio cities pot to remodel our Riverfront. Not bad for a town that discovered only a few years ago that Columbus is a giant ATM.
It's tempting to wonder how we will make withdrawals without Sen. Aronoff to push the right buttons. It's tempting to wonder: If this is how Ohio Republicans spend, what are Democrats like? It's tempting to ask why a state with a $1 billion surplus impersonates a federal Santa Claus, buying us presents with our own tax money. It's tempting to mention that all that fattening pork causes government obesity.
It's also tempting to read all the fine print on a package of sausage. Don't do it. Just heat and serve. And say, "Thank you, Sen. Aronoff."
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
