They were offering flu shots for $10 a poke in our lobby Thursday. I went to see Bob Dole on Fountain Square instead. I figured it would be just as painful, and the way things are going, I'm going to get sick in November anyway.
Believe it or not, I still think there's hope for the Dole Man. But it's disappearing faster than the red and blue balloons that climbed into the sunny sky over the Fifth-Third building and slowly shrank to tiny dots.
Mr. Dole's upset chances shrank two sizes the night before, too, as Jack Kemp somehow managed to make a vice president with all the charisma of a physics textbook look like a sermonizing Elmer Gantry.
For those who were not among the 14 Americans who stayed tuned, here's the Cliff's Notes version:
Gore: ''Risky-tax-scheme.'' ''Blow a hole in the deficit.'' ''Cut deeply into medicare, education and the environment.'' ''They are bad. We are good!''
Accidentally true statement: ''I fail to understand . . . ''
Kemp: ''Democratic capitalism.'' ''Empowerment zone.'' ''Economic growth stimulus incentives.'' ''Fifteen percent!''
Accidentally accurate statistic: 7 million. (Number of words in the tax code, and number of times he brought it up.)
Summary: Quarterback Jack delivered a lecture to an economic think tank. Rev. Al Bore taught Sunday school to 6-year-olds. So guess who the media voted most popular? Duh!
Let's face it, Dole and Kemp could debate Jim and Susan McDougal, and the networks would still insist the Whitewater jailbirds looked more presidential. And come to think of it, the media would have a point.
You'd think by now Republicans would just give up on winning the media's Mr. America congeniality contest and apply the ABC strategy: Attack Bill Clinton.
They don't have to lie or twist the truth the way the Clinton campaign has. Just tell it. The White House file cabinet is so full of inviting targets they can't close the drawers with a crow bar. There aren't enough letters in the alphabet for all the Clinton scandals. Go to file ''C'' and you find ''Cattle Futures'' and ''Castle Grande S&L fraud.'' Skip to ''W'' and it's stuffed with ''Waco,'' ''Whitewater'' and ''Webster Hubbell.'' The ''F'' file is crammed with ''FBI-Filegate,'' ''Firings, Travel Office,'' ''Files Found in Hillary's Library'' and ''Foster, Vincent.''
Start anywhere. But start yesterday.
Instead, the Dole-Kemp campaign is tiptoeing down the ''high road'' to oblivion. Here's an actual debate exchange on Medicare:
Kemp: ''Folks, they have no plan. They have absolutely no plan.''
Gore: ''Let me make clear what the president's position is. We will save Medicare and we will stop efforts to hurt Medicare.''
Did Mr. Kemp respond with an incredulous ''SEE?!'' Did he roll his eyes and say, ''Wow, Al, that's specific.'' Did he even ask the question Democrats fear most: ''So how will you do that?''
No. He launched a cruise missile on foreign policy that exploded in the sand: ''Don't bomb before breakfast.'' SEE?!
It was more of the same the next day.
It started promising enough.
Ohio Gov. George Voinovich said, ''Regardless of what the pundits say, this election is about character and keeping your word.'' The crowd cheered.
Colin Powell launched laser-guided smart bombs. The crowd cheered.
Jack Kemp said, ''Clinton thinks the job of the president is to take care of the American people. Bob Dole thinks the job of the president is to cut taxes and let the American people take care of themselves.'' The crowd cheered.
Bob Dole said, ''Building a bridge to the truth, that's what I want to talk about today.'' The crowd cheered.
But then he flinched and went off on - stop the presses! - taxes. The crowd yawned. At least I did.
Mr. Dole said, ''What oughta scare you is four more years of Clinton-Gore.'' But he didn't say why more indictments could bring a Watergate crisis if Mr. Clinton is re-elected.
He said, ''This election is about trust.'' But he didn't say why people who still trust Mr. Clinton live in two states: self-delusion and denial.
A woman standing next to me held a toddler in one arm and a large sign in the other that said, ''Four generations of women support Bob Dole.'' I asked her and her mother what Dole should do.
''He ought to do a little more to attack Clinton's character,'' said Jean Ann Zimmerman of Lakeside Park, Ky., Generation Two.
''If he does, they will say he's a mean man,'' warned her daughter, Amy Russert of Hyde Park, Generation Three.
That about says it all. This campaign is so ''clean'' it's sanitized of messy truth. So we talk about Generation One (Medicare) and Generation Four (more spending for ''the children''), but if Mr. Dole's Generation Two dares to question the below-zero morals, ethics and integrity of the first president from Generation Three, that's ''mean.''
Maybe I'll get that flu shot after all. I may need it before they debate again.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
