I miss Watergate. I miss the business bosses who used to rule Cincinnati behind closed doors. I miss the good old days when adults acted like grownups and children were just kids, not photo-op alibis for baby boomers behaving stupidly.
Blame it on heat stroke. Or maybe the other kind. Anyone who spends too much time looking in the rearview mirror is probably coasting down that long, downhill driveway to Alzheimer Acres Retirement Village.
But I'd rather look on the bright side and believe the oldies station sounds better lately because the soundtrack of summer 1997 is worse than the Bee Gees doing gangsta rap with an accordion orchestra conducted by Lawrence Welk.
Just look around:
Bring back Nixon
On Tuesday the leader of a Senate committee, investigating millions in illegal fundraising by President Clinton, said secret intelligence has uncovered a plot by communist China to infiltrate and buy our government with campaign donations. America shrugged.
In the pre-cynical days of Watergate, our nation was still honest and innocent enough to be shocked and outraged as we all followed the money to campaign crimes in the White House. Even as recently as 1991, the "Keating Five" senators were put on public trial for, among other things, setting up lunches and pestering regulators to lay off a contributor's S&L.
Today, the accusations are far more serious - and nobody's watching. An alleged journalist on MSNBC wondered the other day, "What's the diff?" between contributions from big business and donations from China. A caller informed him: "One is illegal."
But judging by President Clinton's approval ratings, most voters share the outlook of the "who cares?" host, which could be summed up in a word: "Duh?"
President Clinton's supernatural talent for evading responsibility is almost mythological: Petroleus, the Roman god of oily slipperiness. It's enough to make me miss Tricky Dick, who was at least honest enough to give up the tapes.
Where's Waldo?
The former fixer of the once-feared Cincinnati Business Committee could blend in with paisley wallpaper like that cartoon hiker in children's books, but he never allowed messy government disputes to get as public as the shootin' war between the county Hatfields and the city McCoys.
Now "Roxanne and Bob" are the latest team on talk radio, as Mayor Qualls and Hamilton County Commission President Bedinghaus trade put-downs and accusations over fine print in the Bengals' stadium lease.
But the real grudge match is behind the scenes: bitter trench warfare between City Manager John Shirey and County Administrator David Krings. If they could stand to be in the same room long enough to do their jobs - administrate and manage - this ugly fight would not have spilled into our living rooms and jeopardized Cincinnati's riverfront remodeling project.
I favor open government, but the past week of sound-bite hysteria almost makes me miss the efficient, secret corpocracy we had when the CBC ruled. Lease punctuation should be wrestled out by Mr. Krings and Mr. Shirey, behind closed doors (please!) that are locked as long as it takes.
Be like Mike
When boxer Mike Tyson was asked why he chewed on Evander Holyfield's ears during a championship fight, he replied, "This is my career . . . I've got children to raise."
That may be the most hilarious attempt to use children as an excuse, but it's hardly the first. It's not even the worst. That title is shared by Timothy McVeigh - who bombed Oklahoma City "for the children" who died at Waco - and President Clinton and Janet Reno, who said they approved the Waco assault "to rescue the children" who were killed.
Since then, "save the children" has become the all-purpose excuse for both sides of any argument - affirmative action, abortion, taxes, censorship, education, fireworks, missions to Mars, gay rights, Disney boycotts, clean air rules, capital punishment, welfare reform, mouthwash ads, global warming, smoking, divorce and Cincinnati's ticket tax (which really has no excuse).
It's bizarre. Socialized medicine? "It's for the children." Make the tobacco companies give billions to lawyers? "For the kids." A state takeover of public schools? "We did it to save the children."
Any day now I expect to hear that Al Gore sold the U.S. Navy to China "for the children," and that Marge Schott has been made Cincinnati mayor as part of a Reds stadium deal - "to save the kids."
The children I know wouldn't trade a dog-eared Beanie Baby for any of the crimes and stupidities perpetrated in their behalf. Lucky for them, they don't care about any of the stuff we get tangled in knots about.
Boy, those were the good old days . . .
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. Call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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