What do Jesse Helms, William Weld, JFK Jr. and Elvis have in common with a Texas oatmeal festival? According to my theory, they'd all be gratefully ignored if this were not the slowest news month since the Cave Drawing Daily.
But it's August. There are no political conventions on TV this year like telethons for the ethically challenged. Nothing is happening.
Nothing.
So you come home from vacation, shake the sand out of your sandals, check the news to catch up on all the headlines you've missed and find:
Elvis still dead, experts insist.
JFK Jr. poses nude to scold Kennedy clan for bad behavior.
Jesse Helms and William Weld square off in pointless battle over meaningless appointment.
Texas Oatmeal Festival.
It makes you wonder: Are these stories as meaningless as they look, or do they just seem that way compared to a day at the beach?
I think they are symptoms of media insecurity. As Americans drowse off in a hammock, savoring the last few drops of summer like iced lemonade in a sweaty glass, the national media feels neglected, so it rides in circles, ringing its bicycle bell to get attention. And because we can't turn a cold garden hose on Peter Jennings, we have to endure breathless reports about stories in the category of ''Elvis Still Dead,'' ''Mideast Conflict Resumes'' and ''Stadium Costs Soar.''
In a way, the whole month of August is an oatmeal festival - a mush-eating contest to see how much we can swallow.
So anything that even remotely resembles Really Big News - like the UPS strike - gets nearly as much TV time as Princess Di's new boyfriend.
Yes, I know, the 15-day strike by 185,000 UPS Teamsters was a big stone in the shoe of our economy, more inconvenient to business than an E. coli outbreak at the annual Chamber of Commerce picnic. It was serious stuff.
But like the manhunt for Andrew Cunanan that started our August slide into sensational trivia, it ended too soon. And worse, UPS didn't deliver the hype that Tom Brokaw promised.
He said it was a showdown over an increasingly part-time America demanding full-time jobs. Nope. Bureau of Labor statistics show that among 22 million part-time workers, 18 million, or 81 percent, prefer part-time work. Part-time jobs are not increasing.
We were told UPS workers were fighting for part-time benefits. But UPS part-timers already had benefits - worth $7 an hour, according to one UPS officer.
The Teamsters' spin was gritty workers vs. greedy management. But worker-owned UPS is generous. Full-time drivers average $40,000, with great benefits.
The reports are unanimous: The Teamsters won. But UPS workers may not be so sure. They ''won'' annual 3 percent raises for five years, no matter what happens to inflation. Subtract strike losses - about $2,500 each - and raises look closer to 2 percent.
Part-timers will get their first raise in 15 years - if they still have jobs. UPS lost customers during the strike, and is already laying off thousands of workers.
Teamsters President Ron Carey demanded a share of $1.15 billion in UPS earnings. But UPS can't earn that kind of money by hiring ''extra'' workers or leaving packages to rot for 15 days.
The biggest loss for UPS workers, though, could be pensions. UPS officials believe the strike was orchestrated by union leaders. One possible reason: The Teamsters pension fund was leaking oil. If UPS went ahead with its plan to take pensions away from the Teamsters shared fund, the union would have run out of gas.
So UPS drivers are risking their retirements to keep afloat a union that has a criminal record of raiding pensions.
And now we've been told the UPS strike is the turning point that will resurrect unions in America. Don't bet on it. In 1954, about one in four workers wore a union label. Today, only 15 percent are unionized. And a third of those are in public jobs - the only place unions are growing like moss, among teachers and government workers.
UPS can't deliver what unions want. Public jobs, raises and protection come from the federal express: politicians, mainly Democrats, who eagerly bargain away tax dollars for union support.
That's why unions spent more than $100 million for pro-Clinton, anti-Republican ads last summer. Surprise: Mr. Clinton did not order UPS strikers back to work.
The real turning point for labor was last summer, when union members made up 35 percent of the Chicago convention that nominated Clinton/Gore. The UPS strike was over before it happened, when Vice President Al Gore told cheering union members, ''I know what side you're on, and we're on your side.''
UPS got that message and folded like an empty box. The White House is a union shop.
I suppose that's old news.
But it's August.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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