Maybe you missed it in all the coverage of Monica Lewinsky, but President Clinton has denied yet another love affair - with Ronald McDonald.
Last Nov. 9, on NBC's Meet the Press, Mr. Clinton emphatically denied that he had ever told anyone to ''Supersize it.'' He said, ''I haven't eaten at McDonald's a single time since I've been president.''
All those news stories about morning jogs through Mickey D's? Untrue. The 6 percent of Americans who said their most lasting image of the president is ''eating at McDonald's''? They're hallucinating.
But hold the ketchup. In our library, I found this item from an Enquirer story about Mr. Clinton's 1996 campaign:
''Chillicothe was his second stop in February 1992, following his first address to Congress as president. He jogged through Yoctangee Park with Mayor Joseph Sulzer and - true to stereotype - pulled off into McDonald's for coffee.''
OK, so he said he never ATE there. He just had a cup of coffee. He can swear with a straight face that there IS no IMPROPER relationship with Big Macs. No witnesses have come forward who saw the president embracing a Filet-O-Fish. But there are rumors that the FBI is examing crumpled napkins for DNA evidence. James Carville accused Ronald McDonald of stalking the president. And Hillary Clinton said Big Macs are a ''massive right-wing conspiracy'' to clog the president's arteries.
OK, so I'm joking. But in a way, it's not funny. A guy who lies about his appetite for fast food wouldn't hesitate to lie about his appetite for sex. Hamburgergate is typical of the serial lying that has turned the White House into the Home of the Whopper.
A partial list: his dishonest letter to evade the draft, ''I never broke the laws of my country'' (because he ''didn't inhale'' in England), ''the worst economy in 50 years,'' ''the first 100 days,'' ''I never said the first 100 days,'' shady Whitewater deals, cattle futures, ''I can't recall,'' Travelgate firings, ''missing'' documents, ''only a few FBI files,'' Waco, ''no vacancy'' in the Lincoln bedroom, ''no controlling legal authority'' (oops, Al Gore), Asian campaign donations, ''everybody knows that I have tougher ethics rules than any previous president,'' and so on, right up to the extravagant boast during his speech Tuesday night: ''We now have the smallest government in 35 years.'' (And somehow, also the most expensive.)
After all that bushwa, folderol and shameless hooey, we are supposed to believe his petulant denial of a sexual affair with a young White House intern?
No way. The only thing harder to believe than Bill Clinton is the people who still believe Bill Clinton.
I can't believe there are still journalists who have no problem describing the most explicit details of the sex scandal - but can't speak ''Clinton'' and ''resign'' in the same sentence without a coal-train of qualifiers in the middle.
I can't believe some voters still desperately delude themselves that he is ''too smart'' for such a risky affair.
I can't believe there are women who threw a hissy fit about Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood, but say the president's ''private'' sex life doesn't matter.
I can't believe anyone can explain the dress. Not the alleged stains - just the gift. A 50-year-old boss who gives a young female intern a dress may be ''generous'' to Mrs. Clinton. But in the real world, the adjective is ''degenerate'' at the office and unprintable at home.
As for Mr. Clinton's heated denials - what other choice does he have? If he has already lied under oath, admitting anything now is a confession of perjury. So the White House has gone from weaselly denials to hostile silence to ludicrous paranoia about some sinister ''right-wing conspiracy.''
Such hysterical attacks by Hillary are making the ''co-president'' look more like a co-dependent and co-defendant.
President Clinton may finish his term, but his presidency is cooked. The Paula Jones sexual harassment charges are headed for a lurid trial, which has already forced Mr. Clinton to admit the affair with Gennifer Flowers that he lied about for years. White House aide Kathleen Willey reportedly says she was groped by the Molester in Chief. And the strangest story could come from Sheila Lawrence - wife of the ''merchant marine'' imposter and clueless Clinton ambassador to Switzerland, who was dug up and evicted from Arlington Cemetery.
As reckless sex, coverups and lies pile up, some Democrat will finally step forward to play the role of Sen. Howard Baker in Watergate, and tell Mr. Clinton to get out.
I nominate Sen. Bob Kerry, D-Neb., who warned us in 1996: ''Bill Clinton is an unusually good liar.''
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
BRONSON ARCHIVE
