As his client was leaving, an attorney at Cheatum, Overbill & Delay realized he had accidentally been paid with two $100 bills stuck together. He faced an ethical dilemma: ''Should I tell my partners?''
If you think that's funny, get a load of the joke lawyers pulled on Ohio taxpayers. A group started by the state teachers' union quietly went around Ohio, sponging public money from school districts - then used it to sue us to spend more on schools.
The Ohio Supreme Court agreed and ordered more spending. So now there's a 1-cent sales tax on the May 5 ballot - and we sued ourselves to put it there.
Not funny? You haven't seen the bill yet. In addition to $1.1 billion in taxes, we also have been ordered to pay legal fees to the Coalition for Equity & Adequacy.
The lawyers already took $1.3 million from ''poor'' school districts. But the law firm, Bricker and Eckler (B&E) of Columbus, submitted a bill for $5 million.
When a judge found out that bill included work on a separate lawsuit, it was cut to $3.5 million. But it's still padded with excessive, undocumented, unreasonable fees, according to lawyer Keith McNamara, who was hired by the Ohio Department of Education to review seven years of bills and receipts. He found some eye-popping items:
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B&E paid paralegals an ''excessive'' fee of $75-$85 per hour. Additional cost to taxpayers: at least $23,000.
- Two charter flights: $2,900.
- Business meals ($8,599) were billed on days when nobody worked on the case. ''These may have been a convenience,'' Mr. McNamara wrote, ''or might be classified as client entertainment. I do not believe these are appropriate expenses.''
- B&E agreed to a flat $400,000 for two appeals - then billed taxpayers $712,000.
- Although photocopying is usually billed at 5 cents per copy, B&E charged $50,000, at an average of 15 cents per copy.
- Another $17,000 was charged for secretarial services, couriers and postage. ''These costs are generally absorbed as part of the normal overhead of doing business at a law firm in Columbus,'' Mr. McNamara wrote, ''and should not be included.''
- Mileage - $4,568. ''In most instances, there is no explanation for the charge and no mileage rate is shown.''
- Computer research ($41,738) included ''a 60 percent add-on, then rounded (presumably up) to the nearest $25.''
- And, ''A large amount of time was devoted by B&E to public relations matters, reviewing press clippings, etc. There are numerous items that are unrelated to the customary role of lawyers.''
Mr. McNamara listed pages of meetings with Coalition leader Bill Phillis, to plan press conferences, invent slogans, market promotional materials, discuss ''public awareness.''
He noted, ''The one that most concerns me is: 4 - 15 - 96 - Prepare list of scare tactics.''
''I don't know what that means,'' Mr. McNamara told me. ''But the possibilities are endless.''
Maybe it means the Equity gang laundered its PR through the law firm, so it could bill dimwit citizens for a slick campaign to influence public opinion.
Not so, said B&E partner Quintin Lindsmith. ''It is our role as counsel to make sure the coalition is advised as to what's proper to say in public during ongoing litigation.''
The ''scare tactics'' were ''horror stories and nightmare scenarios the state was presenting to the Supreme Court,'' he said. ''Mr. McNamara is highly respected, but by no means the appropriate expert to review a fee of this size.''
He called Mr. McNamara's complaints about overstaffing ''offensive.'' ''Quite frankly, we're a little upset.''
He also said most of the ''excessive'' charges are identical to billing by the state's team of hired lawyers, including Cincinnati law firm Dinsmore & Shohl.
Oh. Well, that's reassuring.
Mr. McNamara reported that incomplete records made it ''impossible'' to figure out how much billing was duplication and excessive charges. He has done other billing reviews, but was surprised at what he found. A ''rational'' fee for B&E would be closer to $1.3 million: ''That's what Bricker and Eckler agreed to accept from the coalition.'' A judge in the case delivered the punch line: ''It seems that in these cases, it has not even been considered that the funds out of which the (fees) are to be paid have been exacted from local taxpayers for the needed and ever increasing expenses of the operation of the public schools.''
Well, whaddyaknow. We thought our tax money was used to help ''poor'' schools. Instead it paid fat legal fees to drag us into court and demand more taxes.
This lawyer joke's on us.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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