BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
My favorite car had shark fins, a gas cap hidden behind the taillight, enough backseat room for freestyle wrestling and two rubber D-cups on the front bumper that would make Jayne Mansfield shed tears of envy. It was a pig-snout-pink 1958 Cadillac.
Wait -- no, my favorite was a 1971 "Deuce and a Quarter" Buick Electra: air-shocks, more power gadgets than Black & Decker and a 455-cubic-inch four-barrel that could drink gas like a frat boy in a TGIF chug-a-lug contest.
Or maybe it was my 1972 El Camino with chrome-reverse rims, baby moons . . .
Once I get started on cars, I could keep going for weeks. But I don't know if General Motors -- which made all of the above -- will last that long.
The world's biggest automaker is locked in a death struggle with the United Auto Workers. Even if the UAW Stupidity Strike is settled yesterday, GM could be downsized into one of those practical-joke Cadillac Cimarrons -- an Eldorado in a Cavalier body, like champagne in a Yogi Bear jelly jar.
GM is already missing the new model year. It's killing customer loyalty with every missed sale. Dealers are hiding their empty lots by parking used cars at the curb.
And in Western Michigan where I vacationed two weeks ago, I counted 17 jet skis, cars, motor homes, motorcycles and boats for sale in a three-mile stretch of road. It was not a swap meet. Local parts suppliers had laid off hundreds of workers. Those toys for sale were reminders that for each assembly-line worker on strike for six weeks, there are 6.5 workers outside the factory who are losing paychecks.
I asked an auto executive what it all means. Although he declined to be named (GM is a very big company), he diagnosed the problem: Bad timing.
"For the past 15 years, we've all been wondering when GM would take a stand," he said. "We knew that at some point they had to take a strike, but not at this time, in a good market. This is like the start of World War I. Everyone knew it was coming, but they didn't know what they were in for."
GM is huge, but how long can it leak oil at $80 million a day? If the biggest automaker breaks down, that will slow traffic in the manufacturing sector. A dreaded economic downturn is clearly visible from the shores of Lake Michigan. You can almost see it from here: Ohio has 14,446 workers sent home by the strike.
GM's UAW contract allows strikes for "health and safety" reasons, which are stretched to include any excuse at any plant. "The UAW has whipsawed GM with guerrilla warfare strikes that shut down the entire company," the auto exec said. But instead of taking a strike at contract time, when GM could win concessions to stop such strikes, they have been shut down by one plant in Flint, Mich., where workers walked out to force the company to invest more money in a loser factory and stop GM from using cheaper foreign labor.
Even if the UAW wins, they lose. If GM becomes a weaker competitor in a global industry, UAW strikers may be eliminating their own jobs. When the strike ends, GM will have to sell cars and trucks at steep discounts. And big strike losses mean major "restructuring."
"Almost every outsider knows GM needs to shed some jobs. We thought two or three assembly plants. Now they may have to shut down a third of their plants," the industry guy said.
Whole divisions could be towed to the junk yard. Oldsmobile and Pontiac could be first as GM cuts its line of chassis from 22 to nine in the next 10 years. Lookalike clone cars and poor quality have hurt GM in the youth market. The average age of Cadillac buyers is 64.
There must be cemeteries where the average age is under 64.
Global survival of the fittest has given automakers an urge to merge. Chrysler paired off with Mercedes Benz; Volkswagen married Rolls Royce; Ford is going steady with Mazda and Jaguar. But GM is a wallflower. Its market share (32 percent) is too fat to slip a merger past anti-trust laws. And suitors bolt when they get a look at GM's straitjacket UAW contract. And GM is slow and confused, like Bob Hope driving a Cadillac pace car at the Indy 500.
"I'm surprised they've been out on strike this long," the auto exec said. "I don't think either side knows how to get out of it."
Buicks, Caddys and "Shivolays" used to have eye-candy style. But while Japanese automakers improved engineering, GM added hidden windshield wipers and worthless radio antennas sandwiched in windshields.
My last loyalty was a 1990 Oldsmobile. It looked like my father's car, but went back to the shop so much it must have been my dealer's car. Now my favorite is an Acura.
Instead of looking forward to the new 1999 Buicks and Chevies, I'm wondering if there will be any -- and hoping GM doesn't drive our economy off a bridge if it crashes.
Latest news on GM strike from Associated Press
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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