What about those polls?
Sunday, August 23, 1998 BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
The president went on national TV and did a very good impression of a cornered rat, confessing that he lied about cheatin' for at least seven months. The next day, his approval ratings inched up again: 62 percent said they like the job he is doing on us; the remaining 38 percent said "Arrrghhh!"
Polls that show rising approval for each increasingly degrading scandal are like a crowd yelling "Jump, jump!" to a man on a ledge. Can he hit 100 percent if he says he killed Vince Foster? Do they encourage Wild Bill to live on the edge, because America winks at anything? Will the next election be Larry Flynt vs. Hugh Hefner?
Or are the pollsters calling inmates in the nervous hospital for the politically insane?
I might have the answer. Those 60-percenters just aren't paying attention to the melting president. They're too busy clipping their toenails. Or watching Oprah. Or doing both at once.
The president's almost deranged abuse of power is a serious crisis. But politics is a jawbreaker yawn in Jerry Springer's Jaded America, where "they all do it," no matter what "it" is.
White House high crimes and misdemeanors need to be taken out off the political channel (C-SPAN boooooring) and presented with more jiggle and exploding cars (Baywatch Bill!).
For example: Setting a balloon-flight record is like breaking the 1998 land-speed record for a mule-cart, or growing the world's biggest turnip without mechanized farm implements. But while the president was leaking air in the grand jury, his loyal 60 percent were glued to their TVs to find out about that millionaire in a rubber raft -- thanks to exciting video.
So . . . coming to the tube this fall:
Film at 11:A new world record for hot-air denials! A camera is attached to the president's big head as he endeavors to be first around the globe suspended only by gassy lies. Suddenly, he is struck by lightning and crashes into Starr-infested waters, where he narrowly escapes man-eating prosecutors through a tiny hatch of loopholes. Will he be rescued before he throws all his friends to the sharks?
The Jerry Springer Show -- Men From Hope Who Grope and the Feminists Who Love Them. In this hour, Bill lies and denies for the first 59 minutes, then finally confesses, but accuses Jerry of invading his privacy. Hillary grabs a lamp and clobbers him -- Jerry, that is.
Saving Private Clinton: A platoon led by Tom Hanks is sent to Vietnam to save the soldier who took Bill Clinton's place in the draft, so that the draft dodger can "maintain my political viability" and run for president someday, with generous donations from Tom Hanks.
ESPN -- The Bengals quarterback controversy: Bill Clinton had the job last year, but he fumbles constantly and throws too many crooked passes at women. Several passes have been intercepted by the Washington Starrs. Is it time to trade him back to Arkansas Hot Springs and start Al Gore until the next draft in 2000? If Clinton stays in the game, will Saddam beat us with the long bomb?
Court TV: As House Democrats finally close in to tell O.J. Clinton it's over, James Carville pulls up at the back door of the White House in a white Bronco. O.J. Clinton and his pal lead Congress on a low-speed chase through impeachment hearings, causing government traffic gridlock. O.J. Clinton finally surrenders and goes on trial in the Senate. His lawyer says, "If 60 percent approve, you can't remove."
MTV -- A Beatles retrospective: An introduction from Bill Clinton: "You know, I was the fifth Beatle." From the early years ("All You Need is Love," "I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends") to the end ("Nowhere Man," "Fool On The Hill.") Listen to "Taxman" played backward and hear "inappropriate relationship, inappropriate relationship."
Entertainment Tonight -- Secrets From Monica's Closet: How can soccer moms can lose 265 pounds fast? "Just dump the big creep."
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: "What do you call President Clinton's summit with Boris Yeltsin? A louse and a souse.
"What's the difference between Yeltsin and Clinton? One has no rubles, the other has no scruples.
"And about that air raid. Think about it. After two days on vacation with Hillary, no wonder he couldn't wait to bomb the salsa out of someone . . ."
The late news: " . . . The U.S. House today voted to impeach President Clinton for obstruction of justice, perjury and other crimes detailed in the report by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr. Asked how they could impeach a president with a 60 percent approval rating, one House member said, "If those 60 percent can ignore reality, I guess we can ignore them."
Nature Channel: "A rat, when cornered, can be very dangerous . . ."
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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