BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
This may seem obvious, considering my occupation, but I come from a long line of complainers.
In college, I found a fruit fly in a bottle of bourbon, and grouched to the distillery. They sent me a whole case of the stuff. Just what every college student needs for finals week.
One time I found a wire bag-closer hiding out in a corned beef sandwich. I didn't sit there and swallow it. I objected. The waiter gave me a free lunch.
And that time I was fast-pitched off a mechanical bull in a cowboy bar? As soon as I could stand up, I complained about my broken ribs -- and they gave me free nachos. Whattadeal.
Now I realize what a fool I've been.
Any one of those little flies in the soup of life could have been a federal case if I had just known enough to call the right lawyer. Like Martha Richards did.
On June 25, 1995, Mrs. Richards of Hyde Park took her 1993 Volvo to Beechmont Volvo for warranty work. She requested extra maintenance and repairs. The estimate was $60.
When she picked it up, they charged her a different price -- but it was lower, only $52.34. A modern miracle. Then two days later, she discovered something that launched a three-year court battle: Beechmont Volvo's service crew had removed her license-plate frame that advertised a Dayton dealer, and replaced it with one of their own.
Mrs. Richards' lawyer contacted Beechmont Volvo to protest. They said the Dayton frame had already been destroyed, and admitted they routinely swapped license-plate frames during service work. But they found another Dayton frame and delivered it to the lawyer, no charge.
End of story, right? No way -- we're not to the bottom of this page yet.
Mrs. Richards sued Beechmont Volvo and Volvo of America, alleging "unconscionable and deceptive" conduct and "misdemeanor theft." They cited a consumer law allowing triple damages -- for a license-plate frame worth less than $25.
Mrs. Gates and her lawyer tenaciously litigated through 28 court actions, 14 interrogatories, numerous depositions and briefs citing 30 cases, plus an appendix.
They lost.
But they didn't quit. They fought on in the state court of appeals.
All this over $75? Not exactly. Mrs. Richards didn't want damages. According to court records, she wanted attorney's fees. She was glad to let the lawyer fee-meter run for three years because her lawyer was Gates Richards -- her husband.
Lawyers for Beechmont Volvo complained in court documents about "substantial time and money" wasted on "a plastic license plate frame, which is nothing more than mere advertising."
They wrote, "Plaintiff can only be prosecuting this case in the hope that the court will award her husband attorneys fees in bringing this baseless action."
Mr. Richards, who usually defends auto dealers against such claims, at one point threatened to file a class action, which he implied would be "newsworthy."
"Their conduct offended a large number of automobile dealers," he told me. "No one that I've talked to thinks it's frivolous."
But two Appeals Court judges did. They ruled, "We do not believe that this type of minor, incidental situation is what the Consumer Sales Practices Act was designed to remedy, particularly given that the dealership made a good-faith effort to remedy Richards's complaint by tendering an identical set of frames."
A third appeals judge, Mark Painter, sided with the license-plate plaintiffs, calling the case and the majority decision an "outrage." He would have awarded attorney's fees to Mr. and Mrs. Richards, to punish Volvo for "converting Richards's vehicle to a moving advertisement for the Beechmont dealership."
And it's not over yet. Mr. Richards has filed an appeal to the Ohio Supreme Court.
The Volvo lawyers wouldn't talk. One hung up on me. But they said a mouthful in court records: "This is the type of frivolous suit which causes the public to have a negative impression of the legal system."
No kidding. It's the kind of idiotic case that makes ordinary people wonder if the inmates are running the asylum. Instead of litigating about license plates, some of these people should be making them.
Haven't they heard of a screwdriver? For $1.29 at a hardware store, they could remove that outrageous "moving advertisement," and replace it with something more clever, such as, "LUV2SUE," or "I'd rather be in court."
The judges should have made Mr. and Mrs. Richards pay Volvo's attorney fees -- or at least court costs -- to discourage stupid lawsuits that clog courtrooms and waste public money.
I'd complain -- but they'd probably send me a whole case of lawyers.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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