BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
The sorriest president in history is on his 1998 Apology Tour, doing three or four lip-biting performances a week. While we're waiting for someone to give him the hook, here are some apologies I'd like to hear:
From the Washington press corps: We're sorry we gave Bill such a free ride. If we had whacked early disasters such as Travelgate and Waco half as hard as we beat on Dan Quayle for misspelling "potatoe," the president who 70 percent of us voted for might not have taken such stupid risks and be facing impeachment.
Bob Dole: I'm sorry I didn't get out of the way so the Republicans could have a fighting chance in 1996. Now look at what we're stuck with -- a billy goat on Viagra.
Hillary Clinton: I'm sorry I made fun of that Tammy Wynette song, "Stand By Your Man." I'm sorry about that health care thing. I'm sorry we got caught lying by the vast right-wing conspiracy. And I'm really sorry I helped write those articles to impeach Richard Nixon, especially the one about lying to the American people.
Al Gore: I'm sorry I made fund-raising calls from the White House, and picked up bags of cash from a Buddhist temple. But most of all I'm sorry I might bump into the president one of these days and hear him say, "Pardon me, Al."
Susan McDougal: I'm really sorry I spent all those months in jail for refusing to admit that Bill Clinton lied about looting an S&L in Arkansas. Bill Clinton told a lie? Duh! I feel like such a fool now.
James McDougal: I'm just sorry I didn't live long enough to see my old Whitewater land-scam partner get his life ruined the way he ruined mine.
Webb Hubbell: Boy, am I ever sorry to find out Bill treated me just like his girlfriends -- and I didn't even get a cigar.
Richard Cohen, Molly Ivins, Joe Klein and other pundits and editorial writers who tried to persuade America that character doesn't matter: We're sorry -- we were soooooo wrong.
Members of the Clinton cabinet: We're sorry none of us has enough backbone to resign to protest the way the president lied to us, humiliated us and destroyed our credibility.
The White House staff: We're sorry we spent so much of the taxpayers' time and money lying on the president's behalf. We should have let him do it himself -- he's much better at it than anyone else.
Democrats in Congress: We are really, really, really sorry we put partisan politics ahead of the country and defended Bill Clinton by stonewalling investigations that could have uncovered this a lot sooner -- like, not in the middle of our campaigns.
Sen. John Glenn: I'm sorry I obstructed the Senate investigation into the campaign finance scandal to get a free rocket ride. Without all my stalling, we might have been able to avoid all this sleazy X-rated stuff and impeach the president for selling military technology for Chinese campaign donations.
Cincinnati Mayor Roxanne Qualls: I'm sorry I agreed to meet President Clinton at the airport and go to his fundraiser at Stan Chesley's house. I didn't know I'd get stuck carrying so much of his smelly baggage.
Jay Leno: I'm sorry I made all those rotten jokes about the personal appearance of Linda Tripp and Paula Jones. Now I'm the one who looks ugly.
Geraldo Rivera: I'm sorry I spread false White House rumors about Rep. Paul McHale, the first Democrat to call for the president to resign. I'm sorry I ever pretended to be a journalist.
Robert Bennett, David Kendall and the rest of the president's "dream team" of lawyers: Ouch! Are we ever sorry we didn't settle that Paula Jones lawsuit when all she wanted was her own designer apology. We're sorry we hired private detectives to intimidate women Bill was harassing. And we never should have tried to protect a draft-dodger by invoking a law meant for soldiers and sailors who are serving their country. That was felony-stupid.
The National Organization for Women: We're sorry we threw such a hissy fit over Clarence Thomas, because it shows what hypocrites we are for giving a presidential sexual predator a free pass just because he supports abortion on demand.
President Clinton: I'm only sorry that a Rhodes Scholar like me was stupid enough to get caught.
Me: I'm sorry I have picked on the president ever since he was elected. But as the headline says, these are apologies nobody will ever hear.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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