BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
The check's in the mail. I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. Yes, I will still respect you in the morning.
Those Big Three Lies were good enough for our parents' generation. But here in the cynical '90s, it's obvious that they are inadequate to cover the vast depths of deception beneath that "Bridge to the 21st century."
So I'd like to nominate at least three more Great Big New and Improved Lies:
- It's only lying about sex.
- They all do it.
- If we demand honesty and integrity in elected officials, nobody will run for office.
The first one almost sounds plausible coming from someone like Larry King, who changes wives more often than most men trade in cars. But unless your wife is named Hillary and doesn't mind if you "minister" to young women with your office door shut, take my advice: Don't try this one at home.
As for the other two: After interviewing a quorum of candidates who are on the November ballot, I'm glad to report that there are dozens of honest, dedicated and intern-free politicians lining up to serve the public.
Yes, you read that right -- "honest" and "politician" in the same sentence. Nearly all of the candidates this year are very decent people, who are willing to be poked and squeezed like eggplants at Kroger, just to apply for a thankless, demanding job most of us wouldn't even want.
There are days when I'm not sure I could win an uncontested election for Dad in my own family. So I have to admit I respect people who volunteer to put their lives under a microscope, get sucker-punched by attacks and risk personal rejection that is measured in thousands.
That's why the White House alibi that trashes the character of all politicians in a lame attempt to defend President Prevaricator is so unfair and disgusting. Even many Democrats would say so if they could speak the black-and-white, unretouched truth.
But campaigns are like airbrushed glamour shots, designed to make the parties and candidates look as sexy as possible. If candidates could say what they are really thinking, our endorsement interviews would go more like this:
Q. What's your position on taxes?
Republican: We can't cut them too much or we won't have pork to pass out for re-election. But we did come up with a few modest cuts this year -- targeted to buy votes from farmers, the elderly, married people, people who do not reside in cemeteries and anyone who lives in one of the 50 states. Did we miss anyone?
Democrat: We've finally caught on that tax cuts are popular, but we haven't figured out how to invent one yet. So we have to distort the Republican cuts as a horrifying "raid" on Social Security. It's dishonest to scare the elderly, but it worked in 1996 on Medicare, so we're trying it again.
Q. What about attack ads from groups outside your campaign?
R. My opponent should disavow and condemn any false attacks on me.
D. Ditto, but we won't because we both need the help.
Q. What about Social Security?
R. We're using a Band Aid to cure gangrene, but we're afraid to suggest surgery. Democrats will tell everyone we're pushing old people onto ice floes and shoving them out to sea.
D. We can't get our ideas passed now that we're the minority party, but we can at least wreck the Republican plans by scaring a lot of elderly Americans to death, thereby reducing Social Security payouts.
Q. Is perjury grounds for impeachment?
R. I may have to vote on that if elected, so I'm not going to talk about the president's reprehensible sex scandal with a subordinate government employee who was young enough to be his daughter, or the way he lied about it to the American people, obstructed justice and committed perjury, which is a felony. I'm trying to keep an open mind.
D. Dang, why did you have to bring that up? The Big Creep is killing us. All that talk about "backlash" is pure desperation. The polls show marginal Democratic voters are demoralized, while those angry white guys who nuked us in 1994 can hardly wait to vote twice against the president's party. Can't we change the subject to HMOs and empowerment zones?
Q. Why are you running?
R: It's my turn in line.
D: My party couldn't find anyone else.
With just one month to go, the unscientific Bronson Poll predicts that Republicans will sweep our region, gaining 20 or more U.S. House seats and five Senate seats. But whatever happens, 90 percent of the races will be won by honest, decent people.
And that's no lie.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
BRONSON ARCHIVE
