BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Now I know how a cop feels when he gets a speeding ticket. Now I know how a doctor feels thumbing through People magazine in a dentist's waiting room. Because now I know how a columnist feels when his name suddenly appears in the newspaper under someone else's opinion. It feels like finding someone else's car in your garage.
On Thursday morning, a full-page ad in the Enquirer said, "The following organizations and individuals have endorsed Broadway Commons as the location for the new Cincinnati Reds baseball stadium." Under "Cincinnati Enquirer Columnists," they listed six suspects, including "Peter W. Bronson, Associate Editor."
They spelled my name right -- which is more than I can say for all the names I have dragged into opinions without permission. The ad didn't lift quotes out of context, like movie reviews that say " . . . amazing . . . " when the critic actually wrote " . . . amazing idiocy . . . "
But I had to stop and think: Is that really me? Did I endorse Broadway Commons?
Yes.
But didn't I also write editorials that oppose Issue 11 to force the Reds stadium to be built at Broadway Commons?
Yes again.
If you are confused, imagine how I feel.
I write columns like this one, under my picture, with my name on it, so that innocent bystanders don't get spattered by the stupidity brush while I'm whitewashing opinions by columnist Peter Bronson. But Associate Editor Peter Bronson writes unsigned editorials on the following page, in the faceless voice of The Cincinnati Enquirer. Those represent the editorial board, which answers to the publisher. And sometimes columnist Peter Bronson disagrees with Associate Editor Peter Bronson. Maybe I need professional help, but we do have some lively discussions on the long drive home from work each day. They go something like this:
Associate Editor: "Why can't you stay on the reservation? You know how management gets apoplectic when we undermine the editorial position of the Enquirer."
Columnist: "What's that "we' stuff? You have a mouse in your pocket?"
AE: "Mark Twain said editors and Siamese twins are entitled to use "we'."
C: "How would you like to get out and walk 19 miles to Loveland, Dilbert? Leave that management hooey at the office. The newspaper may hire your typing fingers -- but it doesn't own my brain."
AE: "Face it, Broadway doesn't have a chance. Even if the referendum passes, downtown lawyers will tie it in a bag of litigation and drown it in the river like kittens on a 900-cat farm. We will spend millions on delays, and the Reds will still wind up on the riverfront -- unless we get stuck in Marge's ashtray, Cinergy Field."
C: "Maybe, but at least it will send a message to the Corpocracy. If taxpayers are going to spend a billion or so on welfare for wealthy team owners, we should at least decide where to spend it."
AE: "Dream on. This thing has been talked to death. If the Reds don't want to play on Broadway, they won't. Traffic would be a mess -- "
C: "Sure, Cincinnati would be paralyzed in gridlock, as if they tore up all the downtown streets -- like they did this summer. We still get around fine, right off I-71 and past the Broadway site every day. You even managed to get a speeding ticket -- "
AE: "You were driving."
C: "Just like a manager -- never at the scene of the crime, are you, weasel-breath?"
AE: "Don't get personal. You sound like the people who call me on Monday after you write about Clinton. Just give me one good reason to vote for Issue 11."
C: "Because for once it would be nice to see grass roots sprout through astroturf around here."
AE: "Can't columnists speak English?"
C: "OK, look, you're right, the campaign is hopeless, the deep pockets will win. But maybe the Reds will get a new owner who will take a chance on something different and pump some of those millions into a neighborhood that needs help."
AE: "Hello, hello? We're in Cincinnati, USA, 1-800-AUTHORITY-RULES. The motto here is "Nothing ventured, nothing lost.' We don't take risks. And speaking of risks, about these columns . . . "
C: "You mean like this one. Yeah, now everyone will be angry and confused. But I can't help it. Now and then I just have to be irresponsible and disagree with the editorial bored."
AE: "You spelled that wrong."
C: "Sorry. But I get the last word: Broadway forever, riverfront never."
AE: "You will never learn . . . "
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
BRONSON ARCHIVE
