The best and worst campaigns
Sunday, November 1, 1998 BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
They give Oscars to bad actors and Emmys to lousy TV shows. So what do we give to the best of the worst 1998 campaigns?
I suggest the "Muter" -- a brassy TV remote-control device, with a big red "mute" button in the middle, mounted on a solid-gold dollar sign to remind us of the unbelievable spending for unprincipled ads that are unwatched by the uninterested.
If Procter & Gamble sold Tide the way candidates sell themselves, we'd still be washing our clothes in the river with rocks.
My Muter nominations:
The Ted Kaczynski Paranoid Conspiracy Award: To the ads against a ban on hunting mourning doves. Apparently, a sinister Animal Rights Militia is plotting to destroy America, starting with families in Ohio. And the first item on their terrorist "to do" list is to trample our constitutional right to use designer pigeons for target practice.
The Bill Clinton "Legally Accurate" Prize: To Ohio Appeals Court Judge Marianna Brown Bettman, who will exceed the Ohio Supreme Court's $125,000 spending cap with an extra $47,000-$61,000 in TV ads bought by the Democratic Party -- an "independent" expenditure made possible by $61,000 in donations from her husband and father. It's technically legal -- but makes a joke of campaign spending limits advocated by Ms. Bettman and her party. Verdict: Guilty, misdemeanor hypocrisy.
The Kill for Life Award: To Northern Kentucky Democratic congressional candidate Ken Lucas, whose ad explains that "I learned to value life" while flying fighter jets for the Air Force. I guess that must have been the Pro-Life Air Force, not the one that trains pilots to kill. Or maybe he learned to value his own life -- but I doubt that he was philosophizing about abortion.
Most Obvious Endorsement: Shared by Republican Rep. Steve Chabot, whose ads featured his mother saying she "raised him right," and Democrat Lee Fisher, whose father sent a letter saying "vote for my son" for governor. What else could they say?
Next time, let's require a polygraph and get the truth: "Actually, my son is a loser. You should have seen his room -- what a disgusting mess. The only trash he ever took out was his homecoming date. I'm voting for the other guy."
Mandrake the Magician Hypnosis Award: Rep. Ted Strickland, a former prison psychologist, persuaded our editorial board that he would vote to impeach President Clinton "if I conclude in my own mind" that the president committed perjury or obstruction of justice. A week after we endorsed him, Mr. Strickland voted with other Democrats to limit or block impeachment hearings on White House crimes. If Mr. Strickland can have it both ways, then I guess I can "conclude in my own mind" that, on second thought, Republican Nancy Hollister is a better choice for Congress.
What's Wrong With This Picture: A TV ad for Hamilton County Commissioner Tom Neyer shows him hangin' in the hood with black kids -- which looks about as natural as gangsta rapper Snoop Doggy Dog at a Kiwanis meeting.
Free Hair Club for Men Membership to: The voter who wrote us a letter accusing Rep. Steve Chabot of wearing a "rug." Of course he is -- he let his seeing-eye dog pick it out. It's so realistic it looks like the world's worst "comb-over." Sure.
Here's the truth: Steve Chabot needs a "makeover" like a bowling shirt needs a button-down collar. The only thing he ever covered up was the top of his head.
Free Passes to: Sen. Carol Moseley Braun (Ill.), Sen. Barbara Boxer (Calif.) and all the other Democrats whose campaigns are kept on life support by transfusions of cash raised by President Clinton -- the same suspect they could be required to judge in House hearings and a Senate trial. You won't find it in any campaign coverage, but there's a technical legal term for that kind of bribery: "jury tampering."
Re-entry Heat Shield Award: John Glenn, for deflecting a Senate investigation of the president to get another ride in space -- with a countdown timed to give Mr. Clinton a NASA liftoff just before the election. According to the Wall Street Journal, President Clinton said he was asked by Mr. Glenn two years ago, "Oh, by the way, can you get me into space?"
I imagine the president said, "Sure. Oh, by the way, can you get me off the hook?"
It just goes to show that the only real hero in American politics is the guy who invented the television mute button.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
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