Sunday, February 27, 2000
McCain is a 'Zonie thing
BY PETER BRONSON
The Cincinnati Enquirer
MEMO FROM: The National Association of Pundits (NAP).
TO: All talking heads, TV shouters, columnists and editorial writers.
RE: “We Love John McCain” crusade.
Thank you for your unanimous adulation of John McCain. Some of you may be smitten by his campaign finance reforms; others support him because he's as close as anyone gets to a Democrat's idea of a Republican; some of you have joined the McCain Fan Club to bleed the Bush campaign for Al Gore; and some of you may actually like John McCain.
But a few holdouts remain. If you don't act soon, you may forfeit your membership and our weekly guide to politically correct opinions, “NAP Time.”
OK, OK, OK. I don't want to be the only pundit to miss McCain Month. But to picture John McCain in the White House, I have to take a detour to Arizona, the land of dry heat, burro hunts, “Seizure World” and a hoof-in-mouth virus that is peculiar to politicians, forcing voters to occasionally lasso the rabid mavericks, poleax 'em and bury the carcasses deep before the germ spreads.
The way I see it through the sun-bleached eyes of a former Arizona resident, Mr. McCain is a Zonie thing. Unless you've had your brains fried in the skillets of Tucson or Phoenix, you wouldn't understand.
In fact, what seems so astonishing about Mr. McCain to the high-hatted, fancy-pants Eastern greenhorns in the press is as ordinary as lizards in the laundry room in Arizona. It's called saying what you mean.
Most politicians would rather walk on hot coals in their undies on the Larry King Show than say what they really mean. Al Gore has scoured the nation to find witch doctors who can tell him what he should pretend he thinks, to avoid accidental lapses of honesty.
But that cowbird won't fly in Arizona. The Grand Canyon State is infested with politicians who will say anything no matter how stupid. And proud of it.
True legends:
• Arizona Congressman Sam Steiger was once caught shooting wild burros on his ranch. The gunshots all entered from behind, but he claimed the burros attacked him. Apparently, wild burros are even more menacing in reverse.
• In a Senate campaign, Mr. McCain nearly shot his toes off by calling the retirement community Leisure World “Seizure World.” Much to the surprise of Arizona, the Phoenix papers treated the remark as if it were half serious and went on for days of hand-wringing.
• A three-way campaign for governor featured a woman who boasted a hairstyle like Olive Oyl and a voice like Popeye; a businessman recovering from mental illness; and a Pontiac dealer in a toupee that fit like a mitten on a bowling ball. That election produced my all-time favorite political insult, “ethical pygmy,” and the most entertaining governor in history.
Gov. Evan Mecham, the car dealer, spent the first half of his term defending bone-headed remarks about “pickaninnys” and “round-eyed” Asians. When he was cornered by one pushy reporter he blurted, “Don't ever ask me for a true statement again.” He described his 15 minutes of fame on 60 Minutes as “an hour and 30 minutes of complete hostility.”
He spent the second half of his term being recalled, impeached and banned from public office for life, under what state lawmakers delicately called “the wooden-stake Dracula clause.”
Mr. Mecham was not guilty of anything but saying what he actually thought, which is punishable by death in Ohio, but still legal in Arizona.
State lawmakers impeached and evicted him anyway — proving Arizona politicians at least have backbones, unlike spineless U.S. senators.
Which brings us back to Mr. McCain, a rare senator with a backbone, who says what he really thinks.
And what he thinks is what Arizona thinks: Politics should be fun, not a grim business run by nervous bankers and twitchy handlers.
I don't know if the rest of America is ready for that, or still looking for someone to feel our pain.
Mr. McCain is having fun. So is the press, as long as the alternative is George W. Bush. But once the race is narrowed to Any Republican vs. Al Gore, the media will Mechamize the Republican until “ethical pygmy” sounds like a term of endearment.
I've already seen the memo.
Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.
BRONSON ARCHIVE
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McCain blasts foes' 'underhanded stunts'
DeWine has a ball in McCain campaign
