The Bengals are into my friend Fang for $2,400 worth of Charter Ownership Agreements. On Monday, after defeat No. 8 of this '98 season (defeat No. 91 in the Lost Decade), Fang dialed up Mike Brown's office at the team's Spinney Field bunker and asked for his money back.
"I want my money back," said Fang.
"Ha, ha," said the Bengals.
No can do, chief. The COA is yours and yours alone. (Personally, I prefer the more widely used term, PSL, for Personal Schmuck License, because that's how you in Bengal Nation must feel after having written the checks. But we digress.)
They told Fang he could sell his COA. That's great. To whom? The Schmuck License is not a seat to a Bengals game, which is bad enough. It's the right to a seat at a Bengals game, which is worse than pouring acid in your retinas.
Fang would have better luck buying groceries with rubles than selling his Schmuck License. He's stuck.
There are times such as this when I feel very fortunate to do what I do, and very sad for you that you don't. At least I get paid to watch the games. If I could figure out a way to get paid to get paid (CQ) to watch the games, I could be my very own COA.
No way out
Ticketholders are stuck. COA owners are stucker. You root for the second-worst team of the decade (three games ahead of the St. Louis Rams at the moment, with 22 in the decade to play.) You're beholden to Mike Brown, an owner who is committed to doing things his way.
Again, the disclaimer: Brown is a very decent man. He's a guy you'd be proud to have as a friend or relative. But he's intractable when it comes to running his football team. Currently, he's running it off a cliff.
Consider: On Sunday, the Bengals will start their fourth different quarterback in the past 17 games. None was replaced because of an injury. Who changes QBs every fifth game? This could be some sort of NFL record. What it says is, somebody in charge has no clue.
It's Brown's problem. But not financially. Generous taxpayers and the socialist NFL have taken him to the corner of Easy Street and Life Is Good. Financially, it's your problem.
You are taking notice. And you are not pleased.
Already, someone has rented a helicopter to fly over the Spinney Field bunker, floating banners asking for the heads of Brown, Bruce Coslet and Ken Anderson. (Note to Dick LeBeau: Don't look up.)
Now, protests are planned for Sunday. A group of ticketholders will hold a rally on the plaza level during the first quarter. Another group is planning a similar demonstration. Go for it.
If Mike Brown were the head of a government department, you could have him charged with malfeasance or misfeasance. One of the feasances. If he were mayor, you could vote him out.
Now, all you can do is decline to buy his product.
The only option
Boy-cott, boy-cott, boy-cott.
Since he's into your wallet to the tune of $400 million, give or take, and since you really don't want to leave Hamilton County to pay someone else's sales tax and, let's face it, you're not going to keep a busted refrigerator, eat spoiled meat and die of ptomaine just to make a point, this is all you can do.
Boy-cott, boy-cott, boy-cott.
There's an inarguable sanity to it. It's the same sanity that says, if you don't want a headache, then stop banging your head against the wall.
Brown is sensitive to attendance numbers. At least he was, before he got Manhattan-for-beads on the riverfront. Maybe he still is. It's worth a try to find out.
Vote your conscience. Be a conscientious objector. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. Right now, the Bengals feel like Sunday morning after the bachelor party - chug-o-rama Saturday night.
One man.
One ticket.
One Schmuck License.
Boy-cott, boy-cott, boy-cott.
Enquirer columnist Paul Daugherty welcomes your comments at 768-8454.
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