BY MARGARET A. McGURK
The Cincinnati Enquirer

Well, January's not half over yet and the first major stinker of 1997 has splattered itself across the big screen.

The Relic is an incoherent bid to cook up a thriller out of scientists, cops, Amazon tribes and some leafy green vegetable. It doesn't begin to work.

Tom Sizemore, an intelligent actor, seems stunned at the hopelessness of his role as a gruff Chicago cop trying to shut down a major museum while he hunts for a bizarre killer. All he really knows is that bodies are turning up with their heads torn off and their brains pulled out. (And don't even think about getting through the movie without seeing several dozen examples of this delicious handiwork.)

He gets some help from an evolutionary biologist played by Penelope Ann Miller (by the way, if this is a scientist, Steven Seagal is a ballerina), who helps him figure out what's going on about five minutes before the movie ends.

Meanwhile, there are many, many scenes of people pointing flashlights down dark, wet tunnels, often stopping to say ''What's that smell?'' (Go ahead, guess what happens next.)

What the movie lacks in story line, it fails to make up in pace or visual impact, jumping raggedly from suspense-free monster-hunting to interest-free arguments, interrupted by scenes of the monster ripping open more hapless cops. Thus, it actually manages to be both repugnant and boring at the same time.

The movie borrows boldly and badly from the Aliens and Predator movies, among others. Its special effects are not all that special, except for about one minute's worth near the end. But by that time, you'll be beyond caring.