Tuesday, April 30, 1996
Madonna a mom? That's a big laugh

BY LAURA PULFER
The Cincinnati Enquirer

Probably you know by now that Madonna - not the holy one, the material one - is pregnant. It's not as if she has ever kept anything a secret.

Anything.

The expectant father is her 29-year-old personal trainer, prompting Jay Leno to observe that maybe they should have done their push-ups separately. Ha.

People magazine says Carlos Manuel Leon is ''strong-willed, shy, with 7 percent body fat and a tendency toward jealousy.'' Does this mean he'll be disappointed when he discovers that the mother of his child has, er, a past? A past including men, women, leather and animals.

His mother says Madonna is ''a real person, like you and me.'' Mrs. Leon must have an interesting circle of acquaintances.

Maybe she's just putting the loyal Mom Spin on things. Wonder if she'll be a Mom about marriage and baby names. Madonna's full name is Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, and she'd be wise to choose a normal name for this child. He or she already will have enough to explain on the playground. Maybe Gary. Or Helen. Also, a last name would be nice.

Lycra maternity wear

The baby is not due until November, but we probably can assume a woman who has had her picture taken in a compromising position with a dog will not be shy about having her picture taken in maternity clothes

CBS This Morning asked designers Mark Eisen and Cynthia Rowley to come up with a wardrobe.

Producer Natalie Mines says Mr. Eisen told her firmly, ''no muumuus.'' He settled on black stretch Lycra.

Both designers made a big to-do about how very fit the mother-to-be is. (Well, who wouldn't be with a live-in trainer?)

Ms. Rowley designed a form-fitting ensemble in ''virginal white.'' Ha. Ha.

Entertainment Weekly magazine this week features a cartoon by Barry Blitt captioned ''Madonna's baby shower'' with such items as a baby bottle with a nipple ring and spiked diapers. What, really, can you get for a woman who already has $100 million?

Maybe a gift from the heart? Some free advice, perhaps? How about a few well-chosen parenting tips? Such as:

Remove cones before nursing.

Keep baby powder in clearly marked containers.

Do not wear bustier and thong to parent-teacher conference.

In the event of a boy, wait until the circumcision has healed before attempting body piercing.

If the child is a girl, remember that peroxide can irritate tender skin.

Get a V-chip for your MTV.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

When word reached America in 1994 via a BBC interview that Madonna was ''mad to have a child,'' a lot of people hoped she'd lose interest, sort of like she did with Sandra Bernhard. It was freakish, but of passing interest.

An overdose of outrage

Although she did advertise for somebody to help her out in the sperm department, she still didn't get much ink or national television. Everybody had overdosed on outrage by then. Now, just when we thought we didn't care anymore, she tells us she's pregnant.

Paydirt. Madonna's back in the news again. Time, Newsweek, network. Madonna complained once that she identifies with Princess Diana because ''she is tortured the way I am in the press.''

Hey, is that the thanks we media jackals get for making you the sleazy, rich pop icon you are today? And with your energetic cooperation, I might add.

Madonna is asking for it. She always has. Lights! Camera! Shock! Her child-to-be did not.

Nobody's kid is fair game.

Rush Limbaugh, for instance, was never more loathsome than when he was making fun of Chelsea Clinton. So maybe we could get all the wisecracks out of the way before November.

People close to Madonna say she's actually conventional in certain ways that count. No drugs, tobacco or alcohol.

We know she's an overachiever. Let's give her the chance to be a terrific parent.

And let's stay out of this kid's face.

No matter what his parents do for a living, a child is no joke.

Laura Pulfer's column appears Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Call 768-8393 or fax to 768-8340. She can be heard Monday mornings on WVXU-FM (91.7 MHz) and as a regular commentator on National Public Radio's Morning Edition.