Be careful when you open your voice mail. A lynch mob might be looking to string up some lying politicians.
''I know why politicians lie on their resumes,'' said Henry Berry of Westwood. ''They have no integrity. And no shame. Their parents did not teach them right from wrong.''
Mr. Berry was calling about a recent column on the campaign whoppers of Hamilton County's newly elected recorder, Rebecca Prem Groppe, and Warren County's recently defeated candidate for sheriff, Arlie Lawson Jr.
She told a big one about having a degree from UC. He fibbed about graduating from FBI school and being an agent.
''I'm damned upset about these lies,'' seethed Ben Fine of Montgomery. ''My heart beats like a drum when I see a picture of Rebecca Groppe's smiling face.''
''Let's hope this latest absurdity in expressing the sentiments of Cincinnati's voting populace does not attract the attention of national - or even international - media and drag us further into the abyss of handcuffed grandmothers, racist baseball team owners and prosecuted museum directors.'' - Ronald Pollitt, Clifton.
Lying on the job
Louise Kursmark, president of Best Impression Resume Service, faxed some professional advice from her Blue Ash office: ''People who lie about their background need to work more on their attitude - focusing on their strengths, being proud and confident of what they have to offer - and less on fabrications.''
Then she added: ''No doubt Rebecca Prem Groppe would disagree with me, though. After all, she lied and won.''
Walter Williams lives in Dent and conducts seminars in resume writing. He insists ''there ought to be a law against politicians lying on their resumes. It could be based on the rules corporations use for summarily firing an employee for using false information. We could call it the Lawson-Groppe Law.''
''Rebecca Prem Groppe said she forgot she didn't have a college degree,'' moaned Ray Brunswick of Miami Township. ''If she can't keep track of a degree, how's she going to keep track of real estate documents worth millions of dollars?''
Elaine Lazarus of Colerain Township was mighty peeved when she first heard about Rebecca Prem Groppe's non-existent college diploma. After the election, she's even more peeved. ''This just goes to show,'' she muttered, ''that the bigger the lie, the better they get away with it.''
Herb Sebastian related this history lesson from Milford: ''Remember what General Eisenhower said about liars. If the United States ever falls, it will fall from within. From lies.''
''Everybody lies,'' declared Will Wilson of Norwood. ''Even guys from the FBI. Don't forget that FBI official who lied about hiding documents on the Ruby Ridge shooting.''
''In your column about liar politicians,'' said Ralph Bridgestone of Hyde Park, ''you went after minnows instead of tuna. You forgot to mention the two biggest liars in the nation, Bill and Hillary Clinton.''
Margaret Bogle, a former teacher from Loveland, had trouble with both candidates for recorder. One couldn't tell the truth. The other, Eve Bolton, worked two full-time jobs - county recorder and teacher. ''Neither gave a good reason for cheating the public.''
Subway to nowhere
Cincinnati and Norwood are in court. They're battling over who owns the tunnels for the area's 70-year-old subway system that never was.
A column about the ill-fated rapid-transit system and the court fight prompted some suggestions for the subway's use.
''Build the underground railroad museum down there,'' said Jack Besse of Mount Washington. ''P.S. I'm serious.''
''Build the new jail in the subway tunnel,'' said Steve Rose of downtown. ''That way, you don't have a jail in anybody's neighborhood and nobody sees it because it's underground. It's not escape-proof. But it is escape-resistant. The only way out is up.''
Jane Gardener of Hyde Park had the best suggestion: ''Use it as a subway. It would be such an asset to the future of the city. Instead of Cincinnati disintegrating into suburban sprawl, the subway would unite the suburbs with downtown and turn this city into a community.''
Cliff Radel's column appears in The Enquirer Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Available to speak to groups. Tips and comments most welcome. Call 768-8379 or fax at 768-8340.
Published Nov. 11, 1996.