BY CLIFF RADEL
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Holiday lights brighten porches. There's a certain chill in the air and a special warmth in everyone's heart.
Yep. This is Halloween Eve.
Time for my annual visit to the neighborhood witch, where I stand over a bubbling cauldron and stuff myself with bite-size Milky Ways. As the vapors circle my head and sugar surges jolt my brain, I see visions of what the rich and famous will give out Saturday night:
Bill Clinton -- Dry cleaning gift certificates.
Monica Lewinsky -- Beau ties.
Linda Tripp -- Friendship rings.
Hillary Clinton -- Paperbacks of Women Who Love Too Much.
Kenneth Starr -- Expense reports from a $40-million witch hunt.
Mike Brown -- Super Bowl programs. From 1989.
Bruce Coslet -- Crying towels. (Used).
Rick Minter -- Victory towels (Never used).
Marge Schott -- "For Sale -- By Owner" yard signs.
Stan Chesley -- Souvenir mugs from his last backyard presidential fund-raiser -- at $300 a mug. Payable at the door.
Tom Neyer -- Wedgies.
Marilyn Hyland -- Waffles.
Procter & Gamble: More free cans of Pringles with Olestra.
Cincinnati Public Schools: Floor plans for renovated schools.
Cincinnati City Council: Sticky taffy wrapped in IOU slips to fix the schools.
Fort Washington Way crews -- War and Peace, on tape, for those hour-long merges into downtown.
Jim Tarbell -- Broadway Commons jaw breakers. They never dissolve.
Barry Larkin -- Baseball caps from everywhere but Cincinnati.
Marty Brennaman & Joe Nuxhall -- CDs of the duo warbling "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" at Wrigley Field.
Mark McGwire & Sammy Sosa -- Baby Ruths.
Michael Jordan, Larry Bird and rest of NBA -- Rain checks.
Delta Airlines -- Take what you like. But pay double.
Hanson -- Mmmmm-pops.
WLW -- A quart of beer and a prepaid phone card that only works for WLW call-in lines.
Bill Cunningham -- Two quarts of beer and a prepaid phone card.
Bengals receiver Carl Pickens -- Scowl masks and a resume.
Xavier University basketball team -- Diplomas.
University of Cincinnati basketball team -- Condensed versions of the NCAA rule book, in Greek.
Steve Chabot -- More family photos.
Roxanne Qualls -- Coupons for farewell tours of the mayor's office.
Cincinnati Police Chief Mike Snowden -- T-shirts with the slogan: "This is as dressed up as I get. I'm retired."
Calista Flockhart, a k a Ally McBeal -- Thin mints.
Leonardo DiCaprio -- Bumper stickers declaring: "The boat sank. Get over it."
Al Gore -- No Doz.
Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra -- Extra-strength No Doz.
The Broadway Series: "Memories!"
Gibson Greetings CEO Frank O'Connell -- Pink slips.
Bill Gates -- GameBoy Monopoly.
Bob Taft -- Uncensored video of banned campaign ads.
Lee Fisher -- Piggy banks.
George Voinovich -- Bowls of Senate bean soup.
Mary Boyle -- Milk cartons with her picture on the side.
Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu -- Mother's Day and Father's Day cards.
Jerry Seinfeld -- Syndication rights to last year's treats.
Oprah Winfrey -- Library cards.
Jerry Springer -- Class. He has no use for it.
Columnist Cliff Radel can be reached at 768-8379; fax 768-8340.
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