On the verge of monstrosity, a place to call

We have never heard their names before. We learn them at the smallest, meanest moments of their lives, when they have beaten a baby, neglected a 4-year-old.

They are monsters to us, people to whom we cannot mete out punishment bad enough.

But who were they 10 minutes before they raised their fist, or fell asleep and let their babies die?

If we saw them then, they might look a lot like other parents. We might see they were overburdened, exhausted, worried, way too young for the responsibilities they bear.

We might see that they do the thing they truly do not want to do.

Karen McCann never sees the monsters. She sees only the people. Sometimes her hands shake when they call her at Parents Anonymous. Sometimes she cringes at the things they say they almost did.

But Ms. McCann, the hot line program director, gives them something that arresting officers, grand juries and parole boards cannot. She gives them a way out, before anybody gets hurt.

She meets them, not in their moment of crisis, but in that precious split-second before it.

Walk away and scream

''I tell them to walk as fast as they are mad, to run into the bedroom, shut the door, pick up a pillow, and scream and scream and scream,'' she says.

''I tell them to walk away, not to pick up their fist. To turn up the stereo, clean, call a friend.''

She never tells them not to get mad. She knows many things in their lives merit rage. But their children are not among those things.

''Children are the easiest people to get mad at,'' she says. ''You've had a bad day. Who are you going to go after, your 6-foot-3 boss or your 3-year-old?''

So she tells them to yell and scream at the boss on the way home in the car, but not to slap the 3-year-old across the face when he spills his milk.

Then she tells these angry, crying adults something they hardly ever hear. That they can do better. That they want to be good parents. That they want to be models for their children.

And she tells them they were brave and strong to pick up the phone and call her.

Compassion, and more

But sometimes, parents need more than compassion. They need shelter, heat, food, counseling, help with their unruly teen-ager. Then they can call the Family Linkline.

This hot line specializes in crisis intervention. While callers are on one line, staff members can switch to other lines to explain their problem and arrange help from a network of family services. They can even send a mobile crisis team to the caller's home.

They know the complex lives many families lead. They know parents never set out to be abusers, but rage builds up over unemployment, grief, stress. The natural overflow is to a child.

So they work on the long fix. The slow fix. The real fix.

And somewhere, in the hundreds of calls that come into these services, there are moments of grace.

A fist unclenches. A bad moment passes. A blow does not fall. Perhaps a child does not die.

And somewhere a lonely, tired, overwhelmed, undersupported adult is allowed to be all those things without being a monster.

Pass these numbers along to strangers and friends. Use them yourself.

Parents Anonymous, 961-8004, sponsored by the Council on Child Abuse.

The Family Linkline, 946-LINK, sponsored by the Hamilton County Family and Children First Council.

Somebody cares.

Krista Ramsey's column appears in The Enquirer on Saturdays. Write her at 312 Elm St., Cincinnati 45202 or fax at 768-8340.

Published Sept 28, 1996.