BY KRISTA RAMSEY
The Cincinnati Enquirer

Mom gets roses and tender confessions of love. Dad gets loud ties and jokes. That, and five weeks in between, is the basic difference between Mother's Day and Father's Day.

But just why is it that we kid about Dad and immortalize Mom? If Father's Day is more laughable, less essential, more expendable, what does that say about fathers?

According to the U.S. Census, 15 million American children are growing up without fathers. Even those who have dads spend, on average, only 20 minutes with him each day, according to the National Center for Fathering.

In the typical family, today's father devotes no more time to child-care activities - bathing, feeding, playing with or talking to his children - than did fathers in 1965, hardly the golden age of fathering.

Granted, there are some active, enlightened dads around today, and their number is increasing. But a 1996 Gallup poll on fathering shows that there are still unmistakable obstacles between children and fathers, a fact that's as upsetting to Dad as to the kids.

Nearly 8 in 10 respondents said the most significant family problem facing America is the absence of fathers in the home. And even when they are physically present, they may be emotionally distant.

While 90 percent of respondents said fathers can make unique contributions to their children, 54 percent said most fathers don't know what's going on in their children's lives. The same amount said most people have unresolved problems with their fathers. Only one adult male in three said he felt ''at peace'' with his father. HD:Demands without support

Experts say today's dads are caught in cultural hypocrisy. Individuals and organizations are demanding more involvement from them, but no one - not corporations, schools, social agencies, even their own families - is offering men more support to be better fathers. In the Gallup poll, 28 percent of dads said their employer did not recognize the strain they face between work and family demands. Better than 60 percent said family-friendly policies would help them perform better on the job. And 75 percent of respondents to a 1987 Fortune magazine poll said they'd jump at the chance to trade rapid career advancement for family time.

It would be a good investment.

Dad's presence

Besides the emotional payoff for dads, their increased involvement has huge benefits for kids. According to Young Children, the journal of the National Association for the Education of Young Children, more dad-time increases children's academic performance, sense of control and cognitive development. Dads have the power to shape healthy gender-role development in both sons and daughters.

An unfolding body of research suggests that, in special areas, fathers have more influence than mothers, including in the self-esteem, risk-taking and career aspirations of girls.

In a 40-year span of research on fathering, Emory University professor John Snarey found surprising benefits when dads engaged in ''less traditional'' activities with both sons and daughters. For example, Dr. Snarey found that fathers' support for girls' athletic endeavors led to daughters who were more successful in school and work. The reason, says Dr. Snarey, may be that a father's encouragement helps girls overcome passive female stereotypes and function independently.

With sons, more dad-time in early childhood meant the males did better in school and later in careers.

Unfortunately, the opposite may also be true. Seventy percent of all juveniles in long-term correctional facilities did not live with their father growing up, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Put the numbers together and they add up to one thing. There really are some terrific things to get Dad for Father's Day.

Time and training to spend significant time with his kids. Employers who see men as essential partners at home, not just mothers' helpers. A society that not only chastises dads when they're absent from children's lives, but figures out how to help them be present. Krista Ramsey's column appears in The Enquirer on Saturdays. Write her at 312 Elm St., Cincinnati 45202 or fax at 768-8340.

RAMSEY ARCHIVE