BY KRISTA RAMSEY
The Cincinnati Enquirer

We see the pictures of Carrie Culberson's puffy eyes, swollen face, the stitches crossing her scalp, and we cannot help but think of Nicole Brown Simpson.

We wonder whether another beautiful young woman was beaten and then murdered.

And we wonder, as we always do in suspected abuse cases, why did she stay?

It is the last question we should ask.

We imply - by wondering why she stayed, what she did, how she started all this - that a woman is in control of an abusive relationship. She is not. She did not make the abuse begin, and she cannot decide when it stops. And many times, because of economic and family reasons, she cannot decide to leave.

If we really want to understand domestic abuse, there are better questions to ask. The most crucial - why do men batter? - leads to a reason most of us don't suspect, understand or particularly like. Men batter because they think they can.

And they did not pick up this insight on their own.

"A person doesn't get to be a person like this by himself," says Daniel Trujillo, director of Amend, a YWCA intervention program for men who abuse women. "The community plays a role."

The last thing an abuser needs is another excuse to hide behind, someone else to blame for his behavior. That is not what Mr. Trujillo is providing.

He simply says men make the choice to punch, slap and push from a way of thinking that was instilled in them in boyhood.

It does not say, "punch, slap, push." But it does say physical size is important. Bigger is better because it usually means you'll win. And winning is very important. Either control or be controlled.

Control isn't all good

It works pretty well in athletics, and not badly in the job market. There are some darn nice perks to being in charge.

But there are heavy penalties.

One has to be constantly aware of how he is viewed in public. Is he treated with respect? Is he clearly in control?

If there's a problem, he's in charge of fixing it. And he can't go around asking for help. He should be able to handle things on his own.

There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything, and he better know the right way. In relationships, just as in business, there's a No. 1 and No. 2, and no such thing as a tie.

So he better be No. 1.

Somebody has to be in charge.

The large majority of men hear that message, and either ignore it or take from it the best they can. They don't punch, push or slap people. The people they hurt most are probably themselves.

But for some men, being in control becomes an obsession. Healthy relationships - where people differ, compromise occurs, roles change - become a threat. Every argument is a win or a loss. If they don't control, then they are being controlled. And there are unpleasant names for men who let women control them.

So they've got to watch their backs.

Change starts with us

The escalation to violence is a quick one. They believe they are provoked. Provocation leads to anger, and anger to violence. It has to. There is no other way.

Expecting them to stop - to simply see the evil of their ways - is a useless fantasy. Prosecution often doesn't stop them. Even conviction.

Before something changes in them, it has to change in us.

We have to stop believing that power makes right. That intimidation - a harsh word, a withering glance, a slap - is a legitimate way to get things done.

We have to stop believing that everything is a competition. That there are only winners and losers in the world. That the key to leadership is control. That compromise is for cowards.

And we have to stop drawing big, wide circles of impunity around bullies.

If we see someone in our families, our workplace, our neighborhood controlling their children or employees or spouses by intimidation or physical force, we have to speak up. Just say it. "That was abuse." That is the only time things might change. When the large list of people an abuser can blame comes down to only himself. When the only appropriate control is control of one's self.

And when we understand there are far better questions than "Why does she stay?"

Krista Ramsey's column appears on Saturdays. Write her at 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati 45202 or fax at 768-8340.

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