BY KRISTA RAMSEY The Cincinnati Enquirer Hiding in every adult is a 7-year-old. If you doubt it, think back to the names you were called as a child, the classmate who took special pleasure in singling you out for torment, the teacher who humiliated you. It's not that you remember those things. It's that you still feel them. It's not that you once were that person. It's that, emotionally, you still are. A few weeks ago, I wrote about children who are left out on Valentine's Day and other days as well. Readers wrote to tell me how they are affected by such memories years later. Some said they feel the same dread and helplessness as they watch their own children go through similar ordeals. That is the saddest - and oddest - thing about it. Much as the world has moved forward in research on learning and child development, many children today still experience age-old patterns of torment and victimization.
Few unscathedA bright and very savvy class of fifth-graders from St. Thomas School in Fort Thomas decided they wanted to respond to the article.I believe that many times school is like a popularity contest. In most schools people are based on their athletic ability, how they dress, how they act, who they are friends with, and many other things. I believe that who you are should be based on what you are inside, not outside. Even though I am athletic, I am many times not considered cool. Some people have good hearts and look at me as the person I really am. - Mollie Schlarman Mollie's letter holds a key piece of help: She lets us know this behavior is everywhere. Most children who are rejected by their peers feel absolutely alone. It's easy to believe that everyone else is better accepted and liked, and simply has more fun. But experts tell us almost every child faces some ridicule or rejection. Even those who look so socially adept at school may be teased and excluded by siblings at home (which is sometimes why they pass the torment on at school).No one likes to think there's that much unkindness going around, but it does help children to know they're not alone. If they ask an adult - a favorite aunt, a neighbor - they're sure to find similar experiences. Sometimes that can make their own trials easier to bear.
'It made me feel sad'My teacher read us your article. It made me feel sorry for some people I know who always get made fun of. It made me never want to forget someone. I've been left out before. It made me feel sad. . . . I've been made fun of, too. I got over it after a while though I didn't think I ever would.- Megan Marqua Megan has a quality that will help schools overcome social problems - empathy. It's one reason it is so important to discuss cruel treatment as a class, in such social groups as Boy Scouts, and around the dinner table. It helps children experience the hurt and rage of the child who is mistreated. Once they feel it, they are less likely to tolerate it (or, perhaps, to inflict it).At our school we give one Valentine to each student. Nobody is ever left out. In basketball, everyone plays that wants to. - Drew Dempsey P.S. I'm creative.Good for you, Drew. Schools certainly can help or exacerbate the situation. Policies and practices that emphasize inclusion and cooperation over competitiveness - such as no-cut policies - establish a more humane climate for all children. And Drew's post script is an exceptionally good sign. Experts say children can overcome classmates' cruelty by ''self-talk.'' They can tell themselves all the good things they know to be true - that they're smart, kind, good sports, creative. Teasing and name-calling never feel good, but if we start out knowing what good and valuable people we are, other people's silliness won't take hold for long. Krista Ramsey's column appears on Saturdays. Write her at the Enquirer, 312 Elm St. Cincinnati 45202.
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