BY KRISTA RAMSEY
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Dear Dads,
This is a Father's Day card, although none of it rhymes and golf tees don't come with it.
It's written because the rest of us never get around to saying the important things to you. We think we'll embarrass you. We think you won't get it. Or we're under the illusion that you have a lot of important stuff on your minds, so we'd better not bother you with matters of the heart.
But maybe you understand better than we suspect that matters of the heart are the important stuff.
So first of all I'd like to say thanks, just for being somebody's dad.
Today that's entirely optional. Babies are born every day without evidence of a father. A life can be created casually, almost anonymously, without honor or affection. But the man who enters into fatherhood with intent, purpose and permanent commitment -- that is still a man to be admired.
To be wanted by one's father is one of the great gifts of life. There is nothing to replace having a dad who will watch out for you, show interest in you, guide you as best he can.
A child who has that -- no matter what other resources he lacks -- has the first cornerstone for a good life.
And the child who doesn't has a gaping hole in his heart that nothing else will fill.
So thank you to all the men who set out to love a child.
Some come back
Then thank you to the dads who messed up first but came back later.
It cannot be an easy thing to do. You face blame, and you deserve it. But you also open the door to healing, to making your children see they are worthy of love, of acknowledgment, and of an apology.
This takes courage, and not just for the men who physically ran away from their commitments. Lots of men desert their children while living in the same house with them. They run off to tennis courts and corner bars, to evening meetings, to professions, to buddies, even to do good in the world.
Yet they forget that the best good they could do is right upstairs, tucked into bed yet another night without seeing Daddy at all.
So come back. It's not too late. You don't have to be Superman. You don't have to be wise. You don't even have to be funny. Just come back and be you.
You'd be surprised to learn that the Daddy of your child's dreams has exactly the same dimensions as you.
And when you do come back, you will find there is something beautiful about a man awakening to the family around him, learning to set boundaries on work and outside commitments, learning again to love the people he lives with, and to truly share his life with the people he loves.
So, please. Just try.
Simple but essential
Actually, good fathering is mostly about trying.
There are lots of dads who mess things up left and right -- come down too hard, expect perfection, bring home the stresses of their job -- but they are still redeemed simply because they try.
My own strict Swiss father had his share of shortcomings, but he was also the man who rushed me and my obviously dying cat to the vet's late at night; who got excited about my Apollo 9 science fair project; and who, every Christmas, thought up, shopped for and wrapped his own special gift for each one of his children.
I still remember the orange-and-black mittens (my school colors), the elongated ice-skating cap and the Liberty Bell bank, although I've long forgotten most other presents.
They were simple gifts, yes. But they were essential ones. They told me the man to whom I was connected by blood, name and address cared more for his children than he had words to say.
There are still lots of dads brave enough to send that message. This is just to let you know we appreciate it, and we hear you loud and clear.
Krista Ramsey's column appears on Saturdays. Write her at the Enquirer, 312 Elm St. Cincinnati 45202.
RAMSEY ARCHIVE