BY KRISTA RAMSEY
The Cincinnati Enquirer
It's summertime. Your children are out among the neighborhood masses, playing kickball, catching lightning bugs, selling Kool-Aid.
Except for the one. He's tucked in an overstuffed armchair, reading Little Bear books.
Your first instinct is to shoo him along, but he doesn't want to go. He says he'd rather be off to himself. And the other kids say they'd rather have him be.
Do you have a problem, or not?
Such is one of a number of summertime dilemmas parents face. The school year keeps development issues at bay, as children fit neatly into the groove of routine. But summer, with its looser social organization, shakes out perturbing questions.
Does my child have good social skills? Does he have any? Is he, maybe, lonely?
"Are you at peace?'
Richard Luftig, a professor of educational psychology at Miami University, runs summer programs to help parents and teachers find answers to such questions. He thinks summer -- that breather in the calendar that lets parents and kids reconnect -- is a prime time to work on social skills, and on family skills.
Mr. Luftig does see children with social problems. He also sees parents with social problems. Some project their own lingering emotional issues on their children. Others push their children to achieve in order to fulfill their own lost dreams. Others see problems and deny them.
He'd like parents to use the summer to take a step back. To loosen their grip. Maybe to get one.
Parents may, for example, see loneliness where it isn't. They may force children to join group activities when a private pursuit is much more satisfying. And, in the process, they may be teaching them attitudes that will limit them for life.
"Parents see a kid alone and not necessarily interacting with the others, and they think, "I'm going to save the kid, sign him up for something, invite all these other kids over," Mr. Luftig says. "What I wish parents would work on -- what is a sign of mental health -- is helping children know what they need to make themselves feel good, feel whole. They need to know what they need when they need it."
The question parents never ask, he says, is: "Are you at peace?"
"If the kid says yes to that, then the parent shouldn't say, "Well, you ought to be in T-ball,' " he says.
Learning emp[athy
Many parents teach their children early to slap on a smile, keep up appearances. "We want our kids to be happy, not to experience pain of any kind," Mr. Luftig says. "We don't allow kids silence at all. God forbid we give our kids 20 minutes to think about their lives."
So how can you tell when a child does need a little extra help? The key, Mr. Luftig says, is noticing when a child wants to join a group or activity but can't.
Many children who are truly lonely fall into two camps: neglected children and rejected children. Children in the first group are not actively disliked, just overlooked. Parents can help by coaching them on self-assertion skills -- teaching them to ask such questions as: "Can I play?" "Do you need another person?" Teaching them to make their wishes known, to act instead of hover.
Children in the second group tend to be too aggressive, physical, sarcastic. These children need to learn to curb their aggressiveness, to be cooperative rather than competitive. They need options to domination.
Mr. Luftig says all children need to learn several golden skills that pave the way to acceptance and friendship. "Tell them to shine the light on others," he says, "to be the kid who says, "Good catch,' "You're really good at that.' "
"Popular people have empathy, the ability to take someone else's perspective," he says.
It applies to parents, too. Letting your child know you have experienced hard times socially helps a lot. So does coaching them before social encounters. And finally, so does modeling the kind, supportive and open-hearted behavior you'd like to see in your child.
Krista Ramsey's column appears on Saturdays. Write her at the Enquirer, 312 Elm St. Cincinnati 45202.
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