BY KRISTA RAMSEY
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Being a grandparent was supposed to be cake.
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FOR INFO |
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For more information on grandparenting issues, call the Grandparent Information Center, (202) 434-2296, or Generations United, (202) 662-4283.
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Ice cream dates, ballet recitals and hand-drawn pictures on the fridge. All the stuff that makes up for the hard work of being a parent.
Sometimes it still happens that way, where the grandchildren are brought over to be pampered and spoiled, then sent home for the serious work. But in many American homes, grandparents are doing the serious work.
In more than 840,000 households, grandparents are raising their grandchildren single-handedly. In 1.5 million more, grandparents share their home with an adult child and grandchildren.
More than 4 million American children live with their grandparents, a number that increases by more than 100,000 each year, according to the U.S. Census.
The majority of the children are under age 6. The average age of the "re-parenting" grandparent is 57. For some adults, Grandparents Day comes Sunday, with presents and cards. For others, it comes every day, with duty and little appreciation.
Somewhere along the line, the Sandwich Generation became a double decker.
Troubled situations
To thousands of children who live far from their grandparents and miss them terribly, this may sound like an enviable arrangement. Most often, however, grandparents take over in the midst of difficult situations. They step in when there is parental divorce or death, bitter custody fights, substance abuse, exhausting career demands or even desertion.
Even in the most functional of families, grandparents pitch in to take pressure off over-committed, two-career couples. Today's grandparents are the car-pool chauffeurs. They sit through music lessons and soccer practice. They run their own private latch-key programs and math tutorials. They pack lunches, and pay for summer camps.
Sometimes they do it because they love to. Sometimes they do it because they have to. Either way, it is clear that we would be in one big mess if it weren't for grandparents.
But for such a significant cultural development, society has made few adjustments.
Make them partners
Schools, courts and social service agencies often deal with grandparents as temporary or lesser partners. Grandparents feel left out of the information loop, and unsure of their rights, responsibilities and resources. Although they often take over in the most difficult of circumstances, many find few support systems.
Sometimes they feel lonely. Sometimes they feel used.
"Often grandparents are stigmatized and carrying a great deal of guilt and burden," says Donna Butts, executive director of Generations United, a Washington, D.C.-based policy and program group. "People assume they did a poor job of parenting the first time, so why should they have a second chance. They question whether grandparents are capable or competent."
Instead, Ms. Butts says, "We should elevate the fact they are sacrificing a great deal and doing a noble job of stepping in." Grandparents deserve more than pseudo-holidays and cards with canned verses. All have earned appreciation and respect. Some -- who have set aside their own retirement to raise their children's children -- should be targeted for extra support.
They deserve to be communicated with regularly and respectfully, by schools, courts, medical professionals and social service agencies. They deserve to be seen as full partners in the welfare of their grandchildren.
They have earned the right to be apprised of resources, included in networks and given legal, social and moral status equivalent with their responsibilities.
It's the fitting reward, the intangible gift that they -- and the grandchildren who need them -- deserve.
Krista Ramsey's column appears on Saturdays. Write her at the Enquirer, 312 Elm St. Cincinnati 45202.
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