BY JULIE IRWIN
The Cincinnati Enquirer
![[aufderheide]](/editions/1998/12/15/grieve2_130x200.jpg)
Bill Aufderheide holds a photo of himself and his wife Mary in front of a statue of St. Maria Goretti at St. Margaret of Cortona Church, where he is a deacon.
(Glenn Hartong photo)
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During their 51 years of marriage, Bill and Mary Aufderheide established a set of traditions for celebrating Christmas: gift boxes they took to shut-ins, dinners with their extended family, and a Christmas morning ritual of placing the baby Jesus in their Nativity scene at home.
They were setting out to deliver gifts to the elderly and sick last December when Mrs. Aufderheide died from a fall down a flight of stairs. The 79-year-old woman's death left her husband to struggle through a season that had for years been a source of joy for them.
“Because of all the activities she and I were involved in and all the things we did, it's going to hurt deeply, this time of year,” said Mr. Aufderheide, 82, a deacon at St. Margaret of Cortona Catholic Church in Madisonville.
“You find something around the house and all of a sudden it hurts you, the little things you did together that you uncover. It pierces your heart.”
Although the greeting-card version portrays Christmas as a season of unrelenting joy and family togetherness, the reality is different for many people. The gap can be especially painful for those who are grieving the death of a loved one, when every holiday song and greeting card is a reminder of what has been lost.
But as society becomes more comfortable with exhibitions of grief, some are acknowledging — in organized programs and church services — that Christmas is a difficult time for the bereaved. At least three area churches are offering outlets this week for people who might otherwise suffer in silence.
Reality of the season
“This year we've had several significant losses in our congregation to death, so I'm aware of the mixed — at best — feelings at this time of year, when everything around you is almost falsely cheery,” said the Rev. Joanne Sizoo, pastor of Norwood Presbyterian Church, which held a “Blue Christmas” service Sunday.
“It's basically to acknowledge the reality of the season, that people are struggling, and to experience hope and confidence in God's comforting presence.”
This Christmas season is the first full one alone for Mr. Aufderheide, whose wife died just before the holiday last year. The two created an extensive ministry to the homebound after Mr. Aufderheide was ordained a deacon in 1987.
Every Christmas season they would collect shoe boxes and fill them with little gifts — cookies, toiletries, calendars — to distribute to the sick and elderly. They had stopped by St. Margaret of Cortona for a visit before starting their rounds last December when Mrs. Aufderheide fell.
This year, Mr. Aufderheide is continuing his ministry to the homebound and planning to spend Christmas with his family. He has also attended meetings at his church — the first of a kind there, organized by the Rev. Len Fecko — to help the grieving make it through the holidays.
The meetings begin with song, prayer and the lighting of a votive candle in memory of the dead. Then members simply talk: about how Thanksgiving went, about their plans for Christmas Day, about their loved ones and the traditions they shared.
“You look at yourself as a grieving person, but all around you there are other people experiencing the same grief,” Mr. Aufderheide said. “You're not alone in this world in your grieving. There are other people experiencing the same sorrow and grief you're experiencing. It doesn't seem to matter how the death occurred or the age.”
A sad lunch
The pain can be different depending on whether a parent, child or spouse has died, but all disrupt holiday rituals and traditions. The nationally known motivational speaker Zig Ziglar lost his oldest daughter, Suzan, to pulmonary fibrosis in 1995. He has just published a book, Confessions of a Grieving Christian (Thomas Nelson Publishers; $17.99), which describes the changes wrought by her death.
“For years Suzan and I would do Christmas shopping for her mother Christmas week. We'd set aside a day and go to the stores and shop and have lunch and shop some more,” Mr. Ziglar said from his Dallas home.
“Now my two younger daughters and I go shopping. I'll never forget that first Christmas (after her death) — we were doing fine until we sat down at the place where Suzan and I always had lunch.”
Mr. Ziglar urges people to cry, talk about their loss, and acknowledge the influence the dead continue to have on the living. He found it helpful to write in a journal every day for three years after his daughter's death. Above all, Mr. Ziglar and his wife found solace in their religion.
“We grieve at the loss of our daughter, but we rejoice at where she is and at the fact that we will see her again,” he said.
Mr. Aufderheide too says that prayer makes his grief more bearable, and churches may be particularly suited to reach the bereaved around the holidays. The trend toward specific services seems to be picking up. The Rev. Thom Shuman, pastor of Greenhills Presbyterian Church, will hold a “Long Night” service at 7 p.m. Dec. 21.
It is the third year he has held one. The idea generated a great deal of interest recently in a clergy computer group the pastor belongs to, with many people requesting copies of the service he conducts.
“It seems like it's something that's gaining momentum,” the Rev. Mr. Shuman said. “In the secular world there's so much emphasis on everybody being joyful, and it is a joyful season, but I think people of faith need to be sensitive to the fact that it's a difficult time for many people.”
IF YOU GO
•St. Margaret of Cortona Church in Madisonville is holding a meeting on grieving and the holidays 8:30 p.m. today.. The church is at 4100 Watterson St.
•Greenhills Community Presbyterian Church, Winton and Cromwell roads, is holding a “Long Night” service at 7 p.m. Monday.
![[aufderheide]](/editions/1998/12/15/grieve2_357x550.jpg)