Monday, May 03, 1999
Oldest, middle or baby?
Tristate celebs illustrate how birth order affects personalities
BY CINDY KRANZ
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Oldest children are successful, take-charge kind of people.
Sound like Ted Turner?
Middle children are independent thinkers.
Does Marge Schott come to mind?
Youngest children are entertaining and know how to get noticed.
Can you say Jerry Springer?
These well-known personalities with Tristate ties are a perfect match for their birth-order characteristics described by Kevin Leman in The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are (Revell; $11.99).
The book is a revised edition of his best-selling The Birth Order Book, first published in 1985. The Tucson psychologist adds updated research on how birth order influences who you marry, the job you choose and the kind of parent you are.
“Birth order is the science of understanding your place in the family line,” he says. “Were you born first, second, third or even farther down the line? Wherever you landed, it has affected your life in countless ways.”
Dr. Leman has used birth order throughout his career to help people understand themselves and solve their problems. In his book, he often cites birth orders of famous people to make his point.
Birth order, he says, played a role in the 1992 presidential campaign. When George Bush, Bill Clinton and Ross Perot squared off in a debate, first-born Mr. Clinton was suave, confident and loaded with answers. Mr. Bush, a middle child, used a mediating, negotiating style. Mr. Perot, the last born, was outrageous, hard-hitting and outspoken.
The way we are
Oldest children are reliable, conscientious list-makers. They are take-charge perfectionists and logical thinkers.
“First borns are going to be more successful,” Dr. Leman says. “You can prove it by Rhodes Scholarships or measure SAT scores. First borns are groomed for success. Whatever the first born is, that second born is going to be night and day different, especially if they're the same sex. Look at Jimmy Carter and Billy Carter.”
He notes high numbers of astronauts, CEOs and U.S. presidents are first borns. Only five “babies of the family” have ever made it to the White House. First borns often choose careers as architects, engineers, police and clergy.
There are variables, however.
“First-born personalities can be created by being oldest of your sex, having a five-year gap between you and the child above you of the same sex, or achieving a role reversal and taking over the first-born privileges and responsibilities,” Dr. Leman says.
Middle children are mavericks, of sorts. They identify with friends outside of family. They feel squeezed. They have the fewest pictures in the family photo album. They're great middle-management people in business, because they grew up seeing both sides of issues.
“They never have mom and dad to themselves, so they negotiate and compromise as a way of life,” Dr. Leman says. Being in the middle is a tough road, but it ends up, in the long run, a pretty good place to be.”
Cincinnati City Council member Charles Winburn is a middle child, the second of five children. “I was the least likely to succeed. Isn't that amazing?”
Mr. Winburn, who did research on birth order in college, believes there's a lot of truth to theories that birth order affects your life. He thinks Mr. Leman is about 80 percent accurate in his descriptions of middle children.
Unspoiled. “That's true,” Mr. Winburn says. “I was never spoiled.”
Realistic, makes and keeps friends, independent thinker — all true.
Risk taker. “That's my life. That's why I was least likely to succeed.”
Peacemaker. “They've got me wrong on that one.”
Able to keep secrets. “I know so much on people in Cincinnati, I dare not tell it.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Leman describes babies as outgoing, fun-loving, manipulative and social. “They are most likely to jump in with both feet, get themselves in difficulty and ask questions later.”
When buying a new car, a first born will read Consumer Reports. A baby will say, “Do you have teal green one? You do? I'll take it. Oh, it's got a CD? For sure, I'll take it.”
Babies are natural sales people. “They could sell dead rats for a living if they have to,” Dr. Leman says.
Making matches
You can improve your chances for a successful marriage by paying attention to birth order, he says.
First borns and babies or onlys and babies are best matches. Ronald Reagan, the baby of the family, married only child Nancy Davis. “The insiders say that is a good marriage,” he says of the Reagans.
“The extremes make pretty good mates. When you put a middle child in a relationship, you automatically strengthen it because they're so loyal. Where you get into difficulty is first born and first born and only and only, because of perfectionism.”
Dr. Leman also suggests that parents treat their children differently based on their birth order. You have different bed times. You have different allowances.
“Somebody has written if you do for one, you must do for other. Each kid gets their day in the sun,” he says. “If it's somebody's birthday, I'm not bringing a gift for everybody.”
What's more, Dr. Leman advises parents to watch their expectations and their comparisons. While it may be tempting to always call on the first born when a job has to be done, don't.
“Little snooky and middle child need to give back to families, as well.”
Because middle children are often overlooked, Dr. Leman says, make an effort to listen to them, ask them what they think. Ask them for advice — not about personal problems — but things like asking the middle child to determine who should bowl first.
“The middle child, most of the time, will put mom and dad first. They'll put themselves last. You almost have to make the middle child become more assertive,” Dr. Leman says.
Meanwhile, only children are really super first borns. They want things organized. They like routines. They'll want to change socks, because the ones they're wearing don't feel right.
“By age 7, you've got a full-grown little adult on your hands. Here's a kid who is advanced for her age. If you want a job done right, hire the only child.”
Only children get a bad rap, Dr. Leman says. They're not spoiled rotten. If anything, they grow up too quickly. “Because they seem so grown up, you'll tell your only child too much too soon. Grant the childhood to the only child.”
If they have problems in life, it will be with kids of their own age. They like adult company. Only children are very much part of what's going on in mommy's and daddy's life.
“Whatever is good or bad, they absorb it like a sponge, Dr. Leman says. “It's important to keep the only child out of firing line, out of the squabbles between parents.”
Emotional development
Meri Wallace, author of Birth Order Blues: How Parents Can Help Their Children Meet the Challenges of Birth Order (Owl; $14.95) agrees that birth order is a major determinate of childhood experience and has a powerful impact on a child's emotions and development.
Ms. Wallace, founder and director of the Heights Center for Adult and Child Development in Brooklyn, N.Y., teaches parents how to identify birth-order issues and positively intervene in children's behavior.
For example, she says first borns are self-confident, but the birth of a second child evokes feelings of anger, jealousy and loss. The first born may be openly hostile to the second child, trying to protect his or her territory.
The middle child may have a difficult struggle to establish a unique identity in the family, Ms. Wallace says. This child is constantly trying to catch the older sibling and stay ahead of the younger one, which could spark extreme competitiveness.
Meanwhile, the youngest child benefits from an older sibling's example, but may feel inadequate in comparison. The last born, she says, lacks the crucial understanding that it's age difference and not ability that sets them apart.
Love, marriage, parenting and careers aside, who would Dr. Leman call in a crisis?
“Middle kids. They're the ones who would probably handle a crisis best. Their whole life is a crisis. They're never first.
“First borns are more likely to freak out,” he says. “They don't like the curve balls in life. By nature they're planners and organizers.
“A baby would say, "What crisis? I'm going to go play golf.' It's me first.”
Sound harsh or outrageous? Dr. Leman ought to know. He's the baby of his family and slightly outrageous himself. He suggested his new book carry the title, Abel Had It Coming. Publishers, probably first borns who think logically, vetoed that idea.
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