Friday, July 16, 1999
Couples get help improving communication, intimacy
BY CINDY KRANZ
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Tom and Joyce DeVoge practice a relaxation/comfort hug.
(Yoni Pozner photo)
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Tom and Joyce DeVoge are relationship builders. Sometimes, their work is easy. Sometimes, they have to dig a little deeper in their tool box and start from the ground up by:
• Helping men learn how to hug.
• Getting couples to giggle.
• Drawing from a American-Indian ceremonial custom of using a talking stick to help couples struggling to communicate. Only the person holding the stick can speak.
The DeVoges are master teachers of PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills), a 120-hour course designed to sustain intimacy in relationships.
“People are engaging in intimacy when they are talking to each other about their thoughts and feelings about each other, and doing that without distortion,” says Tom DeVoge, a clinical psychologist.
“If you can establish intimacy in a relationship, love can thrive,” Dr. DeVoge says. “It doesn't guarantee people will love each other, but if they do, they will thrive.”
Dr. DeVoge and Joyce DeVoge, a psychotherapist, wanted a chance to work together instead of separately behind closed doors. They discovered PAIRS, an international program they say is grounded in sound theory and research in marriage and family therapy.
Unlike other marriage enrichment courses, they say, the length of the PAIRS course allows couples to go home, try a technique and return to learn more skills if that didn't work.
“PAIRS has been referred to as the Cadillac of marital enrichment courses because it is so thorough and complete,” Ms. DeVoge says. “PAIRS teaches you to create a lasting, passionate relationship.”
The DeVoges teach skills of intimacy, which are horizontal (communication between partners), and vertical (a deeper understanding of how you work as an individual and what you bring to the relationship, separate from what your partner brings).
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SAMPLE TALK
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Here's a sample intimate conversation, using those skills, between a husband and wife. The wife is upset because the husband doesn't take out the garbage.
• She says: “When you fail to take out the garbage, I feel hurt and angry. What I would like, instead, is for you to volunteer to take out the garbage without me having to remind you.” (Complaining without blaming).
• He says: “So, I hear you being hurt and angry that I don't volunteer to take out the garbage.” (Listening with empathy and understanding).
• She says: “Yes. Thank you for listening. You know, when I'm hurt by this, I feel like you don't respect me or maybe you just take me for granted about the kitchen.” (Confiding with honesty).
• He says: “It's more than just being hurt and angry. You're also concerned I don't respect the work you do in the kitchen or that I take you for granted.” (Listening with empathy and understanding).
• She says: “Yes, I really appreciate you heard what I have to say. Could I get you to do this? (Confiding with honesty).
• He says: “I'm really glad you told me. I had no idea these feelings were connected to this behavior. It would be easy for me to do this if I could help you not feel that way.” (Confiding with honesty).
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Those skills include:
• Learning how to actively listen with empathy and understanding.
The DeVoges demonstrate a communication technique, facing each other and holding hands. He talks. She listens. She repeats verbatim what he says so he knows that she has heard him. As the skill is perfected, the listener can paraphrase what the speaker says.
“It's surprising how difficult that skill is for people,” Ms. DeVoge says. “We have an extroverted society . . . We want to get our message across. When the other person is talking, we're thinking about our response.”
• Confiding with honesty. The idea is to let the partner know how you feel, using “I” statements.
• Complaining without blaming. The idea is to manage conflict with graciousness and gentleness.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in marriages, the DeVoges say, is individual differences. People have not learned to manage those differences.
Some problems stem from the different way couples grew up. Couples bring different family patterns, traditions and myths to their relationships. The DeVoges try to change people's response to the past so they can keep what works and discard what no longer works.
Another stumbling block is dirty fighting, where couples adopt the strategy to win or control the fight rather than negotiate a solution. Failure to communicate — not listening and not confiding — is another problem.
PAIRS participants learn about physical closeness and emotional openness. Couples can have pleasure together in a non-sexual way, such as giggling and hugging.
“So many men don't know how to use their strong bodies to give support and comfort,” Dr. DeVoge says. “It's real easy to learn. It's a lot easier to learn than golf.”
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UPCOMING COURSES
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PAIRS is for men and women in any stage of a relationship: married, living together, entering a new relationship, engaged, single, dating, remarrying, separated or divorced.
The next course begins Sept. 14. Classes meet for 16 week nights over five months and four weekends (overnight optional) in Hyde Park. Cost: $1,500 per person.
Couples can get a taste of PAIRS at an upcoming workshop, “The Passage to Intimacy Weekend” July 31-Aug. 1 in Sharonville. Another is tentatively set for Oct. 16-17. Cost: $300 a person.
Information and registration: The Cincinnati Relationship Center,
522-0135.
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PAIRS participants don't have to be in troubled relationships, but may want to learn skills to enhance their relationships. What's more, the DeVoges say, children whose parents take PAIRS benefit. There's more peace and affection at home.
“So many people spend time driving their kids to soccer, when maybe what the family really needs is for the parents to spend three hours alone with each other,” says Jane Masters, a certified PAIRS leader who took the first class with her husband in 1996. “By the time the kids are grown, the intimacy is gone, or it can be.”
Before the DeVoges began offering PAIRS here, the couple took classes themselves. They've been married 25 years.
“It helped us be more tender with each other,” Dr. DeVoge says. “It helped us be more aware of how teaching and influences from our past still influence us in a negative way.”
“We're more empathic with each other,” Ms. DeVoge adds. “Even though we prided ourselves on a pretty good relationship, it improved our cooperation and playfulness.”
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