Sunday, September 05, 1999
Parents teach ways to deflect tormentors
Strategies for battling verbal and physical bullying
BY CINDY KRANZ
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Some adults view bullying as “kids will be kids.” Pam Price, 27, of Mount Washington argues otherwise.
She was teased and bullied all through grade school because she was heavy and didn't wear the “right” clothes. Nothing she did alleviated the tormenting.
“Teasing and bullying aren't something to be put up with and gotten over like a case of adolescent acne,” she said. “It's serious, it hurts, and I can tell you from personal experience, that the pain it causes doesn't go away.”
She's already decided her 3-month-old daughter, Rhiannon, will attend a school where she'll wear a uniform. She knows that won't stop kids from picking on one another, but she hopes it reduces the bullying.
Some Tristate parents who were asked about bullying in schools responded with childhood tales of their own torment at the hands of a bullies. They're determined to help their children learn how to cope with it better than they did.
“My son is extremely intelligent, well-read, a very verbal child who was and is not interested in the standard childhood pastimes, particularly sports,” said a Green Township woman whose 14-year-old son was bullied in fifth through seventh grades. “He was, at the time, also slightly overweight. That was all it took to make him an easy target.”
She and her husband talked with their son and role-played how to handle the bullying. They stressed that he is loved, and it is the love and opinions of family members that count.
“We have always told him that people who tease reveal much more about themselves than they do about the person that they are teasing,” his mother said.
Victims must assert themselves and let the bully know they are not an easy target, said Dr. Allan L. Beane, a Murray State University professor who develops bully prevention programs for schools and gives workshops on the topic. Victims need to say, “I get angry when you call me "Fatty.' My name is Allan. I want you to stop it.” Take a step closer to him. Don't hold your fist. Then walk way.
If being assertive and telling a bully to stop calling you names doesn't work, try to deflect teasing with a technique called “fogging,” Dr. Beane suggested.
Use short, bland responses that neutralize the situation, such as: “Possibly.” “You might be right.” “It might look that way to you.“ “Maybe.” “That's your opinion.” For example, if someone calls you “Fatty,” respond casually, “Yeah, I've got to lift weights.”
One way to end the affliction is for the victim or a friend to tell someone. But kids fear retaliation and being labeled a “tattletale.”
“We've got to create an environment where students feel confident that the school does not tolerate this kind of behavior, that there are severe consequences, that the school system will handle it in such a way that will not make it worse,” Dr. Beane said.
Kids should never bully the bully back, he said, and parents should discourage revenge.
“You're telling them violence is the way you deal with violence. You're running the risk your child is going to be hurt or your child hurting bully.”
Children who are victimized, Dr. Beane said, have a way of equalizing the playing field — and that equalizer could be a baseball bat or a gun.
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