Friday, November 19, 1999
Whose home for the holidays?
Newlyweds must divide time between families
BY CHRIS KLEIN
Enquirer contributor
In the next few weeks, newlyweds everywhere will be forced to make some emotional decisions: where to celebrate the holidays and how to keep everyone happy.
It can mean rushing from house to house, eating two big meals in the same day or spending a holiday away from out-of-town parents for the first time. At a time when everyone should be merry and festive, it's enough to make a person, well, tired and cranky.
Married in October, Margie and Dan Capek of Latonia have already decided how they'll spend Thanksgiving. His family in Covington eats early. Her family, in Florence, eats late. So they eat at both places. “It keeps everybody happy, and that's important to us,” Margie says. “But it's a long day.”
A long night
Unfortunately keeping everybody happy at Christmas isn't quite so simple. Her family attends midnight Mass, then exchanges gifts afterward. Dan's family gathers early Christmas morning, about 6 a.m., to exchange gifts. Making it to both is no problem as long as they don't need to sleep.
Then they're faced with more conflicts later in the afternoon. Her parents and relatives will gather for a traditional holiday celebration at the same time Dan's family gathers at his grandfather's home.
Last year, reluctantly, the couple went separate ways for a couple of hours, then got back together at Margie's house. “It's tradition for me, going over to grandpa's. If I didn't do that, it wasn't going to feel like Christmas to me,” Dan says.
Their plans for this year? “We haven't talked about it yet,” Dan reports, admitting he avoids the conversation as long as possible, “because it creates friction. I hate deciding.”
Sense of belonging
Claudia Wright, a psychiatric nurse with a private practice in Clifton, says such conflicts among married couples are common during the holidays. By going home for the holidays, “some people get a feeling of being young again and being cared for. They get a sense of belonging, especially if their parents still live in the house where they grew up.”
She recommends couples make a point of discussing how they will celebrate holidays long before the event. “Each person should put it on the table and indicate what they were hoping would happen. And be as clear as possible about your needs,” she advises. “Stay focused on your own needs, instead of the needs of your extended family, then get down to working out practical solutions.”
Switching off each year, or going to both family's homes each holiday are options, “but if you do that, you need to find a way where you don't feel stressed.”
Now is the time to begin new traditions too. Ms. Wright suggests couples look for something meaningful that they can do that makes it their new way of celebrating the holidays. New traditions don't necessarily have to replace other family events.
“Maybe they drink egg nog and dance to holiday tunes while getting dressed for a family party —
like having a little party of their own before the big party,” Ms. Wright says. “Or it might just be something that is slotted in before the holidays, like going to cut down a tree together or baking cookies.”
Alternating years
Holiday obligations are compounded when a couple has young children, or when the couple's parents are divorced. Both Michelle and Mike Tharp's parents are divorced. That means this Middletown couple and their two small children try to get to her mom's, her dad's, his mom's and his dad's each holiday.
According to Michelle, “It's even more important now that we have kids, because they really want to see the kids.” A brief holiday visit earlier in the week may be an option, Ms. Wright suggests.
Although just married a few months, Jenny Zephyr and Darryl Mitchell have already worked out amicable solutions to the holidays. Jenny's parents live in Florida, so every other year they enjoy Thanksgiving dinner in the warm southern sun. Other years, they join the Mitchell family.
This year, they'll host Darryl's family in their Kennedy Heights home. Deciding where to spend Christmas is not a problem either. Because Jenny's parents are Haitian, “New Year's is a bigger celebration than Christmas because New Year's is Independence Day in Haiti.”
So each year they plan to remain in Cincinnati for Christmas, then join Jenny's family for a New Year's celebration. As a physician at University Hospital it's best if Jenny can remain in town for Christmas. “It's hard for me to schedule holidays off,” she says.
Sometimes the older generation steps in to solve the holiday dilemma. Ms. Wright's parents enjoyed having the entire family together for Thanksgiving, but knew it wouldn't be possible. So instead, they celebrate Thanksgiving earlier in the month, when all family members are free. Then the couple takes a mini-vacation of their own over the Thanksgiving weekend.
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