Thursday, December 30, 1999
2000 laughs
Area funny folks find humor in end-of-century, doomsday scenarios
BY MIKE PULFER
The Cincinnati Enquirer
If you look hard enough, you can find humor in everything. Take Y2K, for example. Please, take Y2K. Har, har, har.
OK. If Rodney Dangerfield doesn't cut it, you might want to look a little harder. Maybe in the heads of some of Cincinnati's funny people — professionals, part-timers and plain old smart-alecks.
We did. Here are some of their thoughts on Y2K glitches, a k a the threat of the end of the world as we know it.
• GARY BURBANK:
To be on the safe side, Gary Burbank, of WLW radio, says he “stocked my shelter with dozens of breeding rabbits, cases of Canadian Club and a stack of Carly Simon albums. No, wait. That's what (co-worker) Jim Scott did.
“Actually, I'm stocking up on wrestling magazines and BBs.
“The key to surviving any apocalypse is to remember the three Gs,” Mr. Burbank says. “Guns, gold and grits. And, you might want to stock up on a little sugar and butter — whatever you like on your grits.”
• BLAIR SHANNON:
“There's a lot of talk about hoarding water and taking money out of the bank,” says stand-up comic Blair Shannon. “I'm going to leave my money in the bank on the chance that any mistake that happens will be in my favor. If I get my statement and there are a few extra zeros, then I'll go and hoard the money out of the bank.”
• MICHAEL FLANNERY:
Michael Flannery, Channel 9 television humorist and host of the recently canceled Know It Alls, says he'll probably be working on New Year's Eve. But, “if not, you better believe I'll be in my bunker protecting my one-year supply of bottled water and Oreos from international terrorists. They love Oreos, you know.”
• JOSH SNEED:
Comedian Josh Sneed, says he knows what to expect. “I predict a bunch of religious freaks running around proclaiming the end of the world,” he says. “Prostitutes and drug dealers everywhere. Lots of looting and excessive traffic jams. Of course, I live in Covington, so it should be no big deal.”
• GREG WARREN:
Funny man Greg Warren, who lives downtown, sees the future this way: “I think there will be drinking; I think there will be fighting; I think there will be bad language. No, wait. That's St. Patrick's Day. I always get the two mixed up.
“I think, actually, everything is going to collapse. The financial markets, the airports, the government. On the same note, I understand that, when you go to a drive-through and order a sandwich without mayonnaise, that after New Year's, you'll actually get a sandwich without mayonnaise. So, all things considered, I think it's an even swap. It's a wash.”
Glitches can be good, he says.
“I'm hoping that there is some sort of really bizarre glitch that will allow me to go to a bar and meet a girl and take her home. But that would involve a big computer glitch that involves mistaken identity.”
We laugh. He's on a roll.
“On Jan. 1, the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and the phrase “You go, girl” will disappear from Earth forever. I don't really believe that, but maybe if I say it enough times, it might actually happen.”
• MONIQUE MARVEZ:
“I think (a Y2K threat) doesn't exist,” snaps Monique Marvez, a comedian and morning WEBN radio personality. “I think it will go down in history right next to the oil shortage of '74 and the attack on Grenada, as myths.
“You know it's (nonsense) because we're such a litigious society. If there was any real danger, nobody would underwrite travel. Ours is a country run by lawyers and insurance companies and actuarial tables, so if anybody's traveling, it's because a bunch of really white guys with thick glasses gave the thumbs up.”
• BUZ BUSE:
Raymond (Buz) Buse, public relations manager for the Chamber of Commerce of Greater Cincinnati, is worried about bugs, but not those in our computers.
“I'm more worried about the return of the cicadas than any Y2K bugs,” he says. “According to the . . . Hamilton County Extension Service, the cicadas return in the year 2004. That's when I take all my savings out of the bank and get the heck out of Dodge, because the cicadas are much worse than any Y2K bug.”
Tristate getting ready to party
Don't shoot into air
Militias ready for millennium
Sampling of Tristaters shows no New Year's fears
2000 laughs
Buses in service for Peace Bell events
Utilities: Politics drives air rules
Emissions ride eastward on the wind
EPA offers utilities two ways to comply
Slain clerk had lost kids
Beloved UC teacher turns 100
Friends: Defendant in killings is 'gentle'
Hospitals get 2nd chance to dispute Medicare bills
Probate judge suing county
Report: Teachers need help
Robbery suspect plagued by bills
Political resolutions: To cooperate and compromise
Pair see the world in shoes
Queen City's moments to shine reflected in book
Classic Mellencamp fitting finale to '99
GET TO IT
'Peter' soars, but 'Pan' a little flat
Alarms help save people in 2 fires
Catholic parish closing in Adams Co.
City names 2 to fill in for economic development managers
County exec forfeits job for dirty trick
Fire station named for city manager
Ky. turns around population slide
Little lights will welcome 2000
Racism still pervades legal system, report finds
TRISTATE DIGEST
Truck hits overpass support on I-75
Water-tower talks are scrapped
