Sunday, February 20, 2000
Stadium looks better from Kentucky
BY PAUL DAUGHERTY
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Stay in Ohio if you want. Get peptic over the stadium cost pile-ons and the comedic stylings of the Hamilton County commissioners. Tom Neyer says we shouldn't point fingers. I agree. It's time for bazookas.
Neyer's family business is building things. Isn't it?
Was this a surprise to him?
Forty-five million bucks. Did he think we wouldn't mind?
Get me Mayflower.
Pack up our two or three kids. We're moving to Kentucky.
No half-cent sales tax over there for the next 40 years. No public officials exceeding unlimited budgets. Just a short ride over a bridge, to a beautiful view of a skyline somebody else bought. The sun shines bright on my new Kentucky home.
I would no longer be “shocked and embarrassed,” as one Hamilton County official put it, by the stadium budget monster. I would, instead, be “laughing until the milk comes out my nose.”
Less taxing lifestyle
The commissioners didn't mean to sell us down the river. It just turned out that way. We're so far downstream now, we're practically to Paducah. I feel like a piece of driftwood.
Thank goodness the baseball stadium will have an overseer. That way, when taxpayers get the guaranteed maximum shaft, at least they won't be surprised.
Let's move. It's not how you look at the stadium fiasco; it's from where. As the realtors say: Location, location, location.
I'm moving to Kentucky. I suggest we all move to Kentucky.
If enough of us move to Kentucky, the earth will tilt southward and Paul Brown Palace will slide into the river. Which would be fine.
Entertainment options
I dialed up the Northern Kentucky Convention and Visitors Bureau. “Tell me what there is to do over there.”
They told me about the “theme rooms” at the Wildwood Inn, in Florence. The Cave Room is modeled after a room in the Flintstones movie. Yabba. There is also a 1959 Cadillac convertible equipped with a bed. Dabba-do.
Vent Haven in Fort Mitchell houses the country's largest collection of dummies. That's vent as in ventriloquist, smart guy, so hold the Cincinnati City Council jokes.
“Tour the aquarium,” suggested the bureau's Tom Caradonio. “Reflect quietly at the World Peace Bell and thank God you live in Kentucky. Go to restaurant row and stuff yourself. It spans two cities, three when Bellevue gets Joe's Crab Shack open.”
I like crabs.
Get me a change order. Get me a guaranteed maximum price. Get me a real estate agent.
“Sell me a house,” I say.
“You'll get a lot more for your money over here,” said Dawn Craven of Sibcy Cline's Fort Mitchell office. “Plus, we don't have the traffic you have.”
Good. But do you plan to be fleeced by any pro sports teams? Do you have any billion-dollar construction projects the public will pay for until the sun explodes? How do you feel about guaranteed maximum lunacy?
“We're closer to the airport,” Craven said. “It's safer and people are nicer.”
Draw up the papers. Where do I sign? I always wanted to live in Wilder.
I will visit Rabbit Hash. I will discover Big Bone Lick. I'll go to that place in Covington where they fix dolls from all over the world. I'll shop at Florence Mall. Y'all.
It makes perfect sense. Why live in Ohio and pay for the stadium and the skyline, when I can live in Kentucky and not pay for it? Do I want to cry or do I want to laugh?
If Ohio wants to pick up the tab, fine. Maybe I'll leave the tip. Let's go.
I can't wait. Ohioans smirk at Kentucky. Who's smirking now, Buckeyes? If you're nice to us Kentuckians, we'll invite you to our condo on the river. We'll have drinks and gaze at the city lights. Maybe we'll walk across the bridge to a Bengals game. Great stadium. Thanks for paying for it.
I'm moving to Kentucky any day now. Unless I move to Indiana.
Paul Daugherty welcomes your comments at 768-8454. Fair Game, a collection of his columns, is available at local bookstores.
Borgman cartoon
Bengals Stories
Temple star may miss UC
UC-Temple Scouting Report
Pokey plays hard, works harder
Reds want more of same from bullpen
McKeon doesn't worry about Griffey Sr.
Virginia Tech 73, Xavier 65
Williams treated for dehydration
Tracy trains Olympians for life
Tracy's Olympic hopefuls
Ball State 60, Miami 57
Kentucky 70, Georgia 64
Ohio State 82, Indiana 71
Huskies have hunted feeling
NKU 68, IPFW 63
Stuff 102, Richmond 88
A Winston Cup race in Kentucky? Don't hold your breath
Cyclones 3, Kalamazoo 1
Mighty Ducks 5, Syracuse 3
Kroger names French tournament director
Piecoro pressed into Cyclonesduty
Cincinnati boys basketball roundup
Cincinnati girls basketball roundup
Ohio boys basketball scores
Ohio girls basketball scores
titles each for Ursuline's Ransom, Myers
Carey leads Indian Hill to title
Cincinnati wrestling roundup
Highlands hopes to avoid realignment to Class AA
N.Ky. boys basketball roundup
N.Ky. girls basketball roundup
Kentucky boys basketball scores
Kentucky girls basketball scores
Scott swimmer takes 3 state titles
Two N.Ky. wrestlers win state titles
