Friday, February 25, 2000
When an aging parent moves in ...
Welcoming an older family member can be well worth the difficulties, Tristate couples say
BY CHRIS KLEIN
Enquirer Contributor
Slipping out-of-town on the spur of the moment. Eating meals whenever you want. Cranking up your rock 'n' roll favorites. The freedom to do as you please is a well-earned luxury once the kids get older.
But the luxury can be forfeited when a parent who is no longer able to live alone moves into your home. Experts on aging are quick to warn of unpleasant consequences when a parent moves in.
But some adults have welcomed a parent into the home and wouldn't have it any other way.
Mary and Len Whitling of Loveland invited Mary's dad, John McCarthy, to live in their new home after almost a year of careful consideration.
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RULES FOR LIVING TOGETHER
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From How to Care for Aging Parents (Workman; $15.95) by Virginia Morris
1. Accept the limits to what you can do for your parent. Make room for your own needs as well as his.
2. Make roles clear from the start. You and your spouse are the ones who decide how your children will be raised.
3. Make a list of rules (noise levels, smoking, telephone bills) and tasks (house cleaning, laundry).
4. Devise a way to give everyone in the household a bit of privacy.
5. Everyone will have to make compromises. When things don't work out exactly right, consider what you can live with and what is genuinely unbearable.
6. Establish a forum for complaints.
7. Give it time. The beginning may be turbulent, but in a few months you should all settle into a routine.
8. Once you've given the arrangement a reasonable chance, listen to your instincts and call it quits if necessary.
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“We worried about robbing him of his independence,” Len explains. But when they finally asked, John immediately said "yes,' indicating he had hoped they would offer.
Once the decision was made, the Whitlings quickly altered blueprints for their new home, to accommodate John. What was supposed to be their office became John's handicap-accessible bedroom instead. A powder room became a full-sized bath complete with handrails. And a small living room became John's sitting room instead. Hallways and doorways were made larger, and front steps wider, all to accommodate John's wheelchair and walker.
Aside from the physical adjustments to the home, the family has seen many other changes now that John, 75, joined them almost 11/2 years ago.
“Every minute of my life is planned in advance,” says Mary, who works full time. With a 3-year-old son, Christopher, as well as an ailing father, she doesn't think it can be any other way.
“Mary is the administrator of this household,” Len says. “She watches everyone's schedule and makes sure it's all in sync.”
"Two children'
Not only are Mary and Len's days filled with trips to the grocery, day care, and pediatrician for Christopher, they often include trips to John's various doctors and specialists. He has been to the dentist almost every week since last September to address a problem with dentures.
But planning not only means juggling trips to the doctor. It also means making sure a healthy, manageable lunch (food needs to be cut into easy-to-swallow pieces) is in the refrigerator within easy reach for John who is occasionally home alone.
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LOCAL SOURCES FOR HELP
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• Catholic Social Services, Family Services Division (serving all faiths), 241-7745.
• Caregiver Assistance Network, 929-4483.
• Council on Aging of Southwestern Ohio, 721-7670.
• Cincinnati Area Senior Services, 721-4330.
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“Sometimes I feel as if I have two children,” says Mary, laughing, describing how she frequently nags her dad to do his exercises and take daily medications.
But in many ways Mary and Len think their lives are easier now. “Before John moved in we were making lots of trips that we no longer need to make — like to do his shopping and to get his laundry,” Len explains.
“We've been able to head off some medical problems that might have come up because we are here to watch him on a daily basis,” Mary adds.
Regardless of any inconveniences, both Mary and Len are quick to say they're thrilled to have John in their home.
"It's especially wonderful to have him around Christopher. You can see every fiber in his body smiling when he's watching Christopher,” Len says. “He is so thrilled to be living with his only grandchild.”
Can be easier
Alan Fodor of Eastgate also thinks life is simpler for him and wife, Mary Ann, since Alan's 87-year-old mother, Mary, moved in last October. She previously lived in a retirement community.
“We had her over at least three days a week and I called her the other days, so it's actually easier having her here with us,” Alan explains. “She has her chores to do, and now she is cooking dinner from scratch.”
Other than relinquishing the master bedroom on the ground floor, Alan easily says his mom is no imposition at all. “I knew I would like her presence in the house, but I actually enjoy her so much more than I expected,” he says.
Never ones to watch a lot of television, Alan and Mary Ann plan after-dinner activities that keep Mary's mind active. “We play a lot of card games or read books,” Alan says. “We take her to church every week, and drop her off at the grocery for about an hour because she likes to roam the aisles.”
Alan occasionally needs to leave work during the day to take his mom to the doctor. “My boss is very flexible,” he gratefully explains.
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