Friday, April 14, 2000
Kids can learn from a pet's death
How parents handle child's first heartache can prepare them for other losses
BY Chris Klein
Enquirer contributor
Anyone who has owned a pet will tell you. When the animal dies, the heartache is inevitable. The grief can be especially difficult for children.
It may be their first real experience with loss. And they might see their parents, who may have obtained the pet before the children were even born, openly cry for the first time. How parents handle the death of the animal teaches children how to deal with the death of a person.
“A lot of it is similar,” says Rabbi Robert Barr of Congregation Beth Adam. He frequently counsels children on the death of an animal and has himself lost two Airdales in the past two years. Using appropriate language when referring to the death is important. “The cat is not asleep. It did not go on a trip. It's important to say the cat died, so that when grandpa dies some day the child will understand he's not coming back.”
Rabbi Barr believes any pet owner with children should think about how they will handle the death while the animal is young and healthy. He believes children should have the opportunity to see the animal before it is buried or cremated. “Seeing the animal helps the child understand what it might be like when a person dies. I don't think this adds trauma to the child. It adds clarity.”
Treat the animal's corpse as you intend to have yours treated, he recommends. “If you plan to be cremated yourself, do so with the animal. This is a learning experience for the child.”
Planning a ceremony or memorial for the dead animal can be especially healing to children, as it gives them the opportunity to talk about their pet. When the Bigners of Bridgetown lost their pet schnauzer, Cliffy, then-12-year-old Jeff asked that some of Cliffy's hair be clipped. He wrote Cliffy a letter and keeps both safely stored in a box in his bedroom. When the Youtsey family cat, Megan, died, the family buried her on a hill at their Southgate home.
“We wanted to give her something that was special to us,” explains 9-year-old Brian, who, together with his sisters, put some play jewelry in Megan's grave. They marked Megan's grave with a homemade sign.
All children grieve differently, and experts stress it is important to allow them to grieve in their own way. Some may cry for a few minutes, then move on and play with friends, then come back later and grieve some more. Preschoolers will typically pretend as if they are still playing with the pet, according to Amie Spencer, program manager for Beech Acres Family Center. “They might act out their own pet funeral for the next few months. It's a healthy way for a preschooler to deal with the death.”
Rabbi Barr recommends encouraging children to write the pet a letter, or draw a picture of the pet. “Or make a donation in memory of the pet as you would a human. Let the kids give their allowance to an animal organization.” He also recommends donating any leftover food, toys, or dog cages to an animal rescue organization.
Some parents are tempted to immediately get a new pet to help ease a child's grief. But experts recommend waiting at least a few months before doing so.
“When you get another pet, you aren't replacing the one that died. You are getting a new animal that is separate and distinct. Kids need to understand that one living thing cannot replace another living thing,” Rabbi Barr says.
Other grief-stricken parents may prohibit any future pets, not wanting to experience the pain of losing a pet again. “That is the risk we take whenever we get close to something,” Rabbi Barr explains. “But we should be willing to take that risk because love is so much more powerful. It's worth it!”
Helpful books
Recommended reading for dealing with the death of a pet:
For children:
• The Tenth Best Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst, ($3.99, Aladdin Paperbacks)
• I'll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm, (#$13.40, Crown Publishing Group)
• When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers, ($5.09, Putnam Publishing Group)
• A Dog Like Jack by Dyanne DiSalvo-Ryan, ($15.95; Holiday House Inc.).
For adults:
• Angel Pawprints: Reflections on Loving and Losing a Canine Companion edited by Laurel E. Hunt, ($17; Hyperion).
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