Here's a theory:

        The Bengals don't lose because they're a losing team. They lose because they're unlucky.

Is quarterback Akili Smith playing under a black cloud this season? (Enquirer photo)

        Clearly, somewhere along the route to this dismal season and the previous dismal decade of Bengals football, some tight end in tiger stripes must have walked under a ladder. Some quarterback must have whistled in a graveyard. Some offensive tackle must have broken his mirror.

        If it's bad luck the Bengals have been playing against, they've had about enough. What better time than the Halloween season to cast it away?

        Here are some practical and impractical, hopefully humorous suggestions for getting this team right with the world before Sunday's battle at Paul Brown Stadium with the Tennessee Titans.

        Toss a little salt over your shoulder and come along for the ride.
       

Shuffle on back

       

        Bring back the Ickey Shuffle, named for former Bengals fullback Ickey Woods.

        The shuffle like ball spiking in the end zone, rubbed some people the wrong way when Mr. Woods began his little dance in 1988, the team's last Super Bowl season. But, if nothing else, it generated excitement, and excitement's the next best thing to winning.

        Problem: The shuffle seemed to work best when there was something to celebrate, like, say, a touchdown.
       

Rhythm in step
       

        Need a little music to pep things up? We know new head coach Dick LeBeau has toned it down in the locker room, but that doesn't mean the stands need to be silent.

        For a quick pep-me-up, a la “Hang on Sloopy,” call on the Roger Bacon High School band. Director Gary Adams calls it the “go anywhere, play anything for anybody band,” ready, willing and more than able to energize the field and the stands.
       

Follow a winner
       

        At Moeller High School in Kenwood, co-athletic director Dick Beerman says a specific regimen of behavior and activity leads to success on the field and in life.

        “There are individual people (coaches) who wear the same clothing to games because they haven't lost since they started wearing it,” he said. “That all goes on, too,” but the training, protocol and spirituality are key.

        He isn't sure about a winning formula for the Bengals, he said, but “prayer certainly should be in there.”
       

The couch has got to go
       

        Local feng shui experts said the Bengals could benefit from a booster shot of ch'i (energy life force) in and around the stadium.

        Indoor remedies generally include better lighting, water and pet fish, plants, wind chimes and bells, revolving doors, fans and mobiles. Red is believed to bring good luck.

        Or maybe we could lay the whole problem at the feet of traffic engineers. Richard Weber, in his book, Feng Shui for Fun and Happiness (Llewellyn Publications; $9.95), writes, “If your guests find it hard to locate the front door, the ch'i will also.”

        Or the architects. David Daniel Kennedy, president of Feng Shui International in Berkeley, Calif., and author of Feng Shui Tips for a Better Life (Storey; $12.95), writes:

        “If windows outnumber doors by more than 3-1, avoid family discord and the voices of children ruling the house by hanging crystal balls or brass bells in front of windows or red silk tassels from door knobs.”

Team spirit
       

        The Bengals themselves could improve their individual energy forces by shoving their beds into proper feng-shui positions, painting their front doors red and adding fountains and ponds at home.

        If (when) all else fails, you (we, the Bengals) can always turn to mystic oils, fantasy candles, incense, crystals, four-leaf clovers, rabbits' feet and lucky Asian plants. Just go to goodluckgiftshop.com and luckyplants.com, then go to a game — equipped.

        Spiritual healers Gia Ratterman, Pam Lyle and Rhonda Mathers, owners of the White Raven in Covington, planned to burn sage and sprinkle salt at or in Paul Brown Stadium this afternoon, two days before the Bengals-Titans game.. The idea is to “bolster the energy level” and “clear away any negative energy left behind from the (construction phase) digging,” Ms. Mathers said.

        The last we heard, the Bengals organization had not responded to their requests for access. Maybe it would bring better luck to deny the Titans access on Sunday.

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