Some of us know how to behave; some of us don't. So, for the boy who checks for breath from his dead grandfather's nose; for the friend who hits on the grieving widow; and for the widower's drinking chum who offers, “Not to worry. I'm sure you'll get married again,” there's this:

        Don't Ask for the Dead Man's Golf Clubs (Workman, $6.95), an ultra-quick read (146 pages in a 5-by-7 paperback, by Lynn Kelly, head of a Denver public relations and advertising agency. It's a guide that offers, as the subtitle explains, What to Do and Say (and What Not to) When a Friend Loses a Loved One. After interviewing more than 150 people who had lost husbands, wives, siblings, offspring and parents, Ms. Kelly compiled her findings, in 1996, in brief summaries and quotes from respondents, identified by city of residence, who they lost and, for some reason, how (cancer, heart attack, suicide, etc.).

        “Darcy had a lot of really nice golf clubs,” said his sister, Lianne Enderton, Calgary, Alberta, Canada. “You can't believe how many people called and asked if they could have them.”

        It's a good thing they did, at least for Ms. Kelly, because it makes a great book title. But if you look for more humor inside, you'll have to look hard, and look between the lines.

        Consider the opportunistic widow, for instance, who recommends to well wishers, “Take off your hat and coat and look around. See what needs to be done,” says widow Mary K. McLaughlin, Torrington, Wyo.

        Or this, from widow Allie Coppeak, Vail, Colo.:

        “Bill is buried in Texas. His secretary takes a plant there for every holiday, his birthday, Father's Day and Christmas. She never told me about it, but she does and has been doing it for 15 years.”

        Hmmm.

        The most important piece of advice, Ms. Kelly says, is to show up and pay your respects. And check in on your surviving friend after the reality of a new life is absorbed.

        “Now that I am alone, nobody knows if I wake up in the morning or not,” says Kathryn Halpin, a Denver widow. “I need a phone call in the morning so somebody knows if I am alive.

        “Don't forget to be there over time,” Ms. Kelly said in a telephone interview. “After a couple of weeks, call the person and make plans. And be specific. Say, 'Let's go bowling Saturday at 6. I'll be there to pick you up.' ”

        Ms. Kelly, who is working on a doctorate in human communications at the University of Denver, has no background in sociology or psychology. Her sources, she says, are experts only in their capacity as family survivors.

        “I felt people who had lost someone could give the best advice,” she said.

        She decided to write the book, she said, when friends asked her for advice and she was unable to find a helpful book for them.

        Her next book, I Ain't Dead Yet, which she is writing now, focuses on how to help friends who are seriously ill or disabled.

        Sometimes, she said, friends fail to attend a funeral or visit the family homes because they're uncomfortable and don't know what to say.

        “They don't mean to hurt you,” she said. “But, by staying away, it hurts.”

        And the mourners who were expecting you will remember you weren't there.

        “They'll forgive you, but they will never forget,” she said.

        Ms. Kelly's husband, Peter, died in 1977, when she was 34, with three children, then 2, 7 and 8.

        Another important piece of advice she accumulated: “Don't make promises you can't keep, especially with children.

        When a father dies, “so many people say the boys will need a man around,” she said. “But they never come back. And the kids never forget.”

        Amid the predictable tips, like telling the family how much the dead person meant to you, answering telephones and offering transportation and lodging, there are some little-known thoughts:

        • A hairdresser, in lieu of flowers, gave a widow a makeover before her husband's funeral service.

        • Unable to make cross-country trips in time for the funeral, some friends go to church or conduct a simultaneous mini-service in a remote city.

        • Some friends send pictures of the deceased that help revive happy memories.

        And, a fairly blunt tip from the son of a dead woman in Denver:

        “If you can't cook, don't bring food.”

How to be good during grief
KIESEWETTER: 'Normal' a 'Roseanne' clone, minus the laughs
Channel 9 spends 'One Day' at UC
Pig Parade: Pigaletto
Tragedy makes writer turn inward
Get to It
Exercise while you work
Body fights building muscle
FIT BITS
Plan meals to help manage weight loss
Protein shakes can help increase number of meals