In case you've never seen or heard of John Stephenson, the Fort Mitchell Democrat running for state Senate, you have your chance this week. Because Big John, as they call him, is on cable access television this week — for 55 hours!

        That's right, he's on TV more this week than Regis. Of course, Mr. Stephenson won't draw the same ratings as Regis, but he certainly could have called his television odyssey Who Wants to Be a State Senator.

        Big John is a regular on cable access Channels 21 and 22 with his travel shows — Travels With John Stephenson to West Virginia — and with performances of gospel and country music he gives to senior citizens gatherings.
       

Other hits
               Along with those ratings grabbers this week are some of Mr. Stephenson's shameless political shows, such as the John Stephenson Picnic, and The Debateless Debate, a program where Big John's opponent — Republican incumbent Sen. Dick Roeding — refuses to debate Mr. Stephenson. Wake the kids for that one.

        In one show, Mr. Stephenson videotapes dozens of hound dogs who are supposedly hunting for Mr. Roeding.

        “Where is he?” Mr. Stephenson can be heard saying as one of the dogs walks around somebody's back yard.

        “Is he in the bushes?”

        The show is a takeoff on the award-winning commercial Mitch McConnell used in his first run for Senate for his 1984 win over former Democratic U.S.. Walter “Dee” Huddleston.

        In those ads the dogs were “hunting” for Mr. Huddleston, who had skipped a whole lot of votes in the Senate. The ads helped Mr. McConnell win election to the Senate and established his credentials as one of the shrewd- est political campaigners around.
       

A chicken drops in
               Mr. Stephenson's program isn't — if you can believe this — as polished as Mr. McConnell's famous ad.

        Among heart-stopping moments: Mr. Stephenson sitting on his porch looking for Mr. Roeding through binoculars; and a chicken clucking, a reference to Mr. Roeding's being too “chicken” to debate.

        Somebody call the cast at the West Wing, and let's get one of those Emmys so it can be delivered to where it belongs, on Mr. Stephenson's mantle for his program Travels With John Stephenson North to Canada, followed by the sequel, South to Erlanger.

        Mr. Roeding's campaign manager, Hayes Robertson, has tried to get some of Mr. Stephenson's programming off the air. While that in itself is a humane act that deserves a Nobel Prize, Mr. Robertson was more interested in fairness, in light of the fact that Mr. Stephenson is getting more TV time than George W. Bush and Al Gore combined.

        Here's what he found out: The cable access folks figure it falls under the First Amendment, and that Mr. Roeding was offered some equal time; the state has no jurisdiction; the Federal Communications Commission probably has jurisdiction, but the Roeding campaign hasn't contacted that agency.

        Weather Channel, here I come.

        E-mail Pcrowley9@home.com.
       

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