As I was driving to work, listening to the Official Oldies Station, having just switched over from the Official Weather Station, I was wondering if it is possible to achieve officialdom on a budget.

        In these times of naming rights and pouring rights and presenting sponsors and licensing, can you be an official something without spending any official money? Or hiring an official attorney?

        Just last week, some Bengals fans in California who operate the Web site mikebrownsucks.com were notified by an NFL attorney that “we hereby demand that your company immediately cease and desist from the unauthorized use of any of the Bengals' intellectual property including copyrighted materials and trademark designs.”

        And I think we know what that kind of language means. Cease and desist or we'll sue you for your back teeth.

        So you have to be careful about these official things.

        Already, I know I cannot afford to put my name on the official Convention Center. Delta is going to pay $30 million for that privilege. Even official products are probably out of the question. I just don't have the cash you need to become, say, the official drink vendor for Major League Baseball.
       

Rotting rights
               Kool-Aid is the official soft drink of Nebraska, and Sunkist is the official soft drink of men's professional beach volleyball. RC Cola claims the Little League and the Women's National Basketball Association is officially allowed to drink Diet Coke.

        This is all officially very expensive.

        I can't even afford to help rot the teeth of the kids in my own community. Lakota Local Schools will receive about $4.5 million from Coke. Fairfield has a $660,000 deal with Pepsi. Deer Park, Forest Hills, Cincinnati, Mason and Lebanon also have signed “pouring contracts.”

        Too rich for my blood. And my ambitions are modest.
       

Just say it
               If WGRR is the Official Oldies Station, I was thinking maybe they'd just let me be the Official Oldie. I called Jim Bryant, the station's general manager, to see if I could get an official application. I am positive that I qualify.

        It is simpler than I thought.

        “If you can say it, you can be it,” he said. And his advice is to say it every time you have a chance.

        So, WGRR says that it is the Official School Closing Station, the Official Beatles Station, the Official Elvis Station and the Official Motown Station. Oh, and the Official FM Weather Station.

        AM weather apparently is the official property of WLW radio. News director Jeff Henderson says he has been at the station for 18 years and, “nobody has ever said we aren't.”

        WKRC-TV news director Steve Minium says Channel 12 is the Weather Authority. And he would not officially quarrel with anybody else's claims. His own claim, he says, comes from research. Sort of.

        “We do overnight numbers,” he says, “and whenever there's a significant weather event, people turn to us.”

        Plus, they say they are the Weather Authority every chance they get. So I could just go around saying I'm officially thin and blond?

        “Why don't you call yourself the Official Troublemaker?” he says. “I will support you on that.”

        This quest has taken an unexpected turn. But I like it in theory.

        At least it's cheap.

        E-mail Laura at lpulfer@enquirer.com or call (513) 768-8393.
       

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