Dr. Lana Holstein thinks every couple should have magnificent sex.

        And her new book, How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection, and PBS special will tell them how.

        Good sex is “a birthright,” says Dr. Holstein, a sexuality expert and the director of women's health at the Canyon Ranch Spa in Tucson, Ariz. But too few men and women get accurate information on just what good sex is, she says.

Dr. Lana Holstein and her husband, Dr. David Taylor | ZOOM |

        The real deal, she argues, should be fun and should fulfill all human needs from biological drive to the spiritual connection between two people in a deeply committed relationship.

        In a telephone interview, Dr. Holstein talked about the book, the PBS special and magnificent sex.

        Q: People are going to read about the PBS special, and think they're getting something very racy. Are they?

A: The KERA folks were very good at emphasizing the soulful quality of sexuality. They were very sensitive and very skillful at bringing out that dimension. I think it's what people want, but we don't know how to get it. I'm always saying, we want gourmet sex, but we go to the fridge for leftovers. If you're going to make it good, you have to put some intention and time and awareness in it. And you have to know what you want.

        Q: You talk about the “transpersonal” dimension as the nirvana of a relationship in which two people can become one. How can couples make that connection?

        A: I spend quite a bit of time in the book and also in the public television special describing how my husband and I came upon that through tantra, that believing sexuality can be a path to heaven, bliss, nirvana and describing in detail some very helpful exercises that I think can help people connect their with their soul in order to help them construct that relationship and the connection with the body.

        Q: Aren't we supposed to know how to have sex, without needing a book or a public television special?

        A: A lot of people think that, and I do not believe that's true. It's like saying we ought to know automatically how to be a millionaire, that we should just automatically know what to do with money. We have to learn about it. I wish people would look at sex like they do their money. Then they would pay more attention to it. They would realize they need some tools and some knowledge. They would sit down with their partners and talk about it. When they do that, people change.

LUCKY 7

Dr. Lana Holstein says couples need to work on seven dimensions of sexuality. She defines those dimensions as:    Biologic: The anatomical, hormonal and physical aspects of sexuality, including what feels good and what effects medications and illness can have on sex drive and response.    Sensual: The sights, the sounds, the scents (and so on) that contribute to sexuality.    Desire or lust: What makes it happen.    Heart: Commitment. Romantic love, Valentine's Day, all the things that say, “You are mine and I am yours.”    Intimacy: The ability to reveal your true self — warts and all — to your partner.    The aesthetic: The ability to glow yourself or to induce it in your partner.    The transpersonal: Two become one, “where the gold is in a relationship,” Dr. Holstein says.

MORE INFORMATION

• The book, How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection (Crown Publishing; $21) is in stores now.     • The television special, Magnificent Lovemaking: Seven Dimensions of Sexual Connection, will air at 9 p.m. March 17 on WCET Channel 48. It was produced by KERA, public television's Dallas affiliate. Dr. Lana Holstein will be in the WCET studio to plug the broadcast, part of the station's pledge week lineup.     • The author also will be one of the speakers March 16 at the “Speaking of Women's Health” conference at the Northern Kentucky Convention Center in Covington. Tickets are sold out. To be added to the waiting list, call 345-6587.

        Q: When men and women have trouble connecting on an intimate level, is the problem more likely to be physical or emotional?

        A: I think it's not any one dimension that's in trouble. It's probably between the dimensions. One person will feel strongly about the desire dimension and the other person will want the heart dimension. What I try to convince people of is you really want all of it. You become more of a team that's synergistic. One of you brings in one quality, and the other brings in others. It's a mutual project.

        Q: You advise people to schedule time for sex. Doesn't that take all the romance out?

        A: I do talk about creating the “good sex division” in a relationship. You've got to have a mission statement. You put in some capital. And then you cut the deal.

        I say for the next month, one of you initiates sex once a week or twice a week. And at the end of the month, you have a board meeting and you talk about what happened. There's a lot of resistance to this. People say, “I have to schedule everything else. I don't want to have to schedule sex.” However, I think most of our lives are so crazy and so filled that we don't have a choice.

        We all have this idea that we're at opposite ends of the house, we're struck by incredible passion, we race toward each other and have wild sex on the kitchen counter. It's not going to happen. Dealing with the reality of our lives, I'm going to have to set aside time for this. I'm not going to program what's going to happen, but on Wednesday night, we're going to set aside time for each other. Maybe we're dancing. Maybe we're listening to music. Maybe we're touching each other.

        A second thing we have to confront is the feeling of not having the desire. “I don't feel like sex.” I tell people, you have to start the activity from a level of 0. Maybe even -1. I use the analogy of exercise. You go out for five minutes and you see how you feel, and at the end, you feel better. We have to use that same analogy for sex. I'm glad I did it. I feel better.
       

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