The other week, I was in some airport somewhere when I bought a copy of Travel and Leisure, for the desperate fun of it. I remembered, again, how out of touch these publications are.

        It might be fun to read about the renaissance of Latvia. But really, what does it have to do with me?

        In Travel and Leisure, there is a story about a place called Umbria. I made A's in geography. But, really. I think people go to places like Umbria just so they can drop the name when they get back. “We've just returned from a glorious two weeks in Umbria.”

Spice world

       @colText:Stories about spice markets in New Delhi are interesting, but not especially relevant. I mean, have you been lately?

        “Chole batoora is what brings him to Kwality,” the story advises. “Its brittleness melts away when you use it to sop up the warm chickpeas simmered in a slurry of spices. Drizzled with tart ginger chutney, it's an unforgettable mouthful.”

        No doubt.

        Also in the new T&L, readers surveyed said the world's best hotel service came at the Oriental, in Bangkok. Well that's just great, kids. The next time I'm in Bangkok, I'll drop by.

        It is vacation time, unfortunately. Soon, many of us will be loading the family vehicle with, ugh, family. Also, dogs, pillows, food, toys, friends and other things we don't need.

        We will not need to know about chickpeas simmered in tea leaves. A place to get some decent macaroni and cheese would work, though. None of that homemade crud, either. The good stuff. Straight out of the box.

        Does this reveal a lack of sophistication on my part?

The real deal

        Reading a travel magazine now is like reading science fiction. Umbria might as well be on the moon. Maybe it is. Someone could put together a real travel magazine, though. It would have everything you need to endure another nightmare summer road trip with everyone you love and hold dear.

        It would include:

        Hotels that lock your kids up for the night.

        Failing that, hotels where Kids Can Jump On The Beds And Scream Real Loud.

        Hotels that welcome your drooling, 110-pound Labrador retriever.

        Experts who tell you how to get a table for four at Cracker Barrel in something less than an hour and a half.

        Psychologists with advice on convincing your kids that Disney World is an evil empire ruled by aliens dressed like a chemically enhanced mouse, who dance, sing, shake your hand and secretly suck your brains out of your head.

        Exclusive readers poll: Now it's easier than ever to find a Taco Bell!

        Virtual vacations: Don't leave home without them.

        At some point in the distant future, if we have survived the accumulated horrors of a decade of fun family vacations, perhaps my wife and I will arrive at the sweet spot in time when we can pick up a travel magazine and say, “Hey, hon, let's go to the Pangkor Laut Resort in Malaysia and master us some Zen.”

        Until then, Mickey will be stalking our brains. Hopefully.

        E-mail: pdaugherty@enquirer.com.

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