I lost my wedding ring awhile ago. It was an accident.

        Right after dinner, I went to the gym to work out, took the ring off to lift some free weights, placed it on the floor and . . .

        What a moron. I mean, who works out right after eating?

        “Where's your ring?” she said.

        Uh . . .

        I ran through the possibilities: Lost in a flood. Stolen by aliens. I was caught in a weasel attack. Weasels ripped my flesh and took my ring.

        “Paul,” she said.

        “OK. I was tied up, taken away and held for ransom. That's the truth. It was amazing, hon. All they wanted was my ring. Aren't you glad I'm back safely?”

        “You lost your ring,” said my wife of 18 years. It was not a question.

        Uh . . .

        “Where is it?”

        If I knew that . . .

        Women are different from men. With the ring, my first reaction was, “Damn, what's it gonna set me back to replace that?” My wife's was, “He doesn't love me anymore.”

        And furthermore . . .

        When women want things, they don't come out and say it. Men are not subtle. If men want something, we ask. We pursue. We acquire.

        Women expect us to know what they want. If you loved me . . .

        “I just need a day,” she might say.

        “OK. Take a day.”

        “You never offer.”

        “I just did.”

        “The day is not the point,” she might say. “You understanding that I need a day, that's the point.”

        “OK,” I say, “I understand. Does that mean I can still play golf?”

        Along those lines, it's not a good idea to encourage your wife to read subversive publications like Good Housekeeping or Oprah. She'll start believing that great marriages are built on “communication.”

        She'll want to “talk.” For no reason.

        For men, conversation requires a specific topic, a logical beginning and a recognizable end. Men generally have a realistic goal in mind when they speak. None of this applies to women.

        You know you're in trouble when your wife says she has something she wants to “discuss.” This could take weeks.

        From her radical magazines, she'll devise a schedule for both of you. It will contain segments for “discussing problems” and “family time” and “romantic moments.”

        A man doesn't feel this need. Sometimes, all a man wants is to pick his toes and watch TV.

        She'll take these love-life quizzes, score about a 46 out of 100 and determine that what her love life needs is more roses for no reason. Or, worse, “cuddling.”

        Then, she'll start talking to her friends in the neighborhood about it. They'll enlighten her with stories about how wonderful their husbands are. She'll start saying guilt-provoking things such as “Don't you want to be with me?”

        Uh . . .

        I got a new ring. When I told the guy behind the counter how I lost the other one, he winked. “What a moron. Nobody works out right after eating,” he said.

        By the way, it wasn't my getting a new ring that was important to my wife. It was that I wanted to get a new ring.

        She didn't say that. I figured it out. The road to enlightenment starts here.

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