Mike Comstock remembers his 30th birthday:

        “I spent it in an elf suit. Little shorts, tights, funny shoes, padded butt.”

        So we're talking some kind of weird fetish here, 'eh?

Mike Comstock, voice of McGrain the Scotch pine and Arnold Treemanator the Austrian pine in the Forest Chorus, (Tony Jones photo) | ZOOM |

        Nope. he was one of the Rappin' Elves at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden's PNC Festival of Lights. “It was street theater, improv, and we were the surliest elves you ever saw. And the coldest.”

        Mr. Comstock, a 39-year-old College Hill advertising exec for the Creative Department, husband and father of two, is something of a Christmastime cottage industry: He's been writing and performing shows for the past 10 years at Festival of Lights.

        This year, he's McGrain the Scotch pine and Arnold Treemanator the Austrian pine in the Forest Chorus, 20 singing Christmas trees who now and then abuse the audience with really bad puns.

        The key thing is to sing with sincerity. You don't want to sound like an artificial tree.

        “The thing is, most people don't know trees really sing. But they do and you probably don't know this, but on Christmas Eve they sing to help Santa find his way. It's a navigational device. You don't know it because I made it up.

        “I like inventing folklore. It's like advertising.”

        Not that Mr. Comstock can actually sing. “No, not at all. But I'm very sincere, and people are so forgiving at Christmas time.”

        We make beautiful cords.

        Mr. Comstock, a native of West Milton, Ohio, has been in Cincinnati since he got his master's degree from Miami University's Theater Arts Program and went to teach and work the scene shopat Northern Kentucky University. Seven years ago he signed on as a writer for the Creative Department, an ad agency with a reputation for on-the-edge campaigns. He works on the Busken Bakery account (“Thank God I like doughnuts a lot”), sings the praises of German wines and tackles a few P&G projects.

        “I've always thought of myself as a writer. At Miami, I was in the playwright program. Maybe that's what gives some of the ads their edge.”

        He also wrote the Forest Chorus show, a mix of traditional Christmas songs (“Jingle Bells,” “Deck the Halls,” “Blue Christmas”) and snappy, smarty-pants dialogue.

        Bob the Blue spruce is sad. His girlfriend hit the big time. She's at Rockefeller Center getting lit.

        Why such a Christmas fan? And why the zoo? “Christmas is such a wonderful time of year. As for the zoo, I've been thinking about that. I guess it's because I've always loved it. And to see it at Christmas, all lit up and glimmering, there's nothing like it. Especially after a light rainfall.

        “Am I sounding like a zealot? It's because I really like what I do. I consider myself lucky and truly blessed. Especially now with the baby 6 months old, I'm getting some sleep.”

        Only problem is between the zoo, two kids and his job, there's not a lot of time for fun.

        “You get so busy, you have no time for hobbies, no matter how badly you'd like to. But you know, I'm working on the Mighty Ducks ad campaign and spending a lot of time with the players. It's so cool, I'm thinking of taking up hockey.

        “Then again, it could just be my midlife crisis coming a little early.”

        So then, before he gets a hockey puck in the teeth, how about 10 fill-in-the blanks? Most of them are for McGrain more than Mr. Comstock.

        Ready?

        Log on. Get it? Log???

        When I see a lumberjack, I ...

        Get a whole lot nervous.

        Every time a dog approaches, I ...

        I go to my happy place. Anywhere but where that dog's going to, well, you know.

        If I were a real tree ...

        I think I'd still be a Scotch pine, because they're relatively inexpensive. You know, cheap.

        The best part of being a tree ...

        Is you get roots. And you get an occasional free root job.

        If real trees could talk ...

        The easy answer would be to come see us at the zoo. No, I think they'd tell you that when we fall in a forest and no one's around, we really do make a noise. That noise is "ouch.'

        If my pets could talk, they'd tell you ...

        That I don't have any pets. But other animals might ask "why don't you adopt us.' It's because I don't think I'd be a very good dog owner. I actually think they'd be more work than a baby.

        In my next life I'll be ...

        Well, I hope I won't be a rock. My hope is that I'd be back doing something like I'm doing right now. I'm totally happy with the way things are going.

        —————— angers a tree most ...

        Amorous lumberjacks.

        If I had a hammer ...

        I'd definitely hammer in the morning.

        I wish you had asked ...

Oooh, I'm trying to think of a really honest answer, but I'm treading water. I thought I had said it all, as if anyone were interested. Oh, I know: What's your Christmas wish? I'll tell you: It's for everyone in Cincinnati to take a moment and realize how blessed they are.

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