As shopping warriors have said since prehistoric man bought his cavewoman a primitive Dusbuster, “I've seen the elephant.” I've been to the mammoth mall at Christmas, and lived to gripe about it.

        I've circled the parking lot like a hyena waiting for lions to finish a three-day wildebeest smorgasbord.

        “Look, is that a Ford Behemoth backing out!? Dang, beaten to the slot by a Chevy Carapace.”

        And finally, after only several hours of nose-to-tailpipe crawling, I've parked just three or four miles from the loading docks on the dark side of Tri-County Eastgate Florence Towne Centre. Then, hiking to the nearest entrance through an obstacle course of cursing motorists still orbiting the center of their universe, I've wondered:

        Is this what the spirit of Christmas is all about? Do we have to celebrate the birth of Jesus by fuming and glaring at each other in traffic, so we can shuffle in line like hypnotized lemmings and leap into debt for a toaster that plays DVDs?

        I don't think so. Surely there must be a better way. Next year, I'll try the Internet.

        I also wondered why nitwits like me, who wait for hours to park at the mall, insist they won't shop downtown because “It's hard to find parking.”

        I think that's just a lame excuse. There are many hidden, underground parking lots downtown that charge less than $10 a minute. What the suburbanites are really saying is, “I can't parallel park.”

        What they mean is, “Downtown is scary.”

        To nervous Batavians and Indian Hilljacks, it must look like everyone else downtown knows where they're going. How wrong that is. Nobody downtown knows where they're going or we wouldn't have empty parking lots where stores are supposed to be.

        But it is true that downtown could be more “user friendly.” While waiting to buy a cordless digital nail clipper/cell phone at the mall, I came up with a few suggestions.

        • Panhandlers: It can be traumatic for a sheltered shopper from Mason to encounter a guy who looks like a Taliban POW wearing Aunt Martha's plaid bathrobe that was donated to Goodwill three years ago. Especially if he is talking to an imaginary friend.

        I suggest giving all the panhandlers those wireless headsets that stockbrokers wear. That way, it will look as if they are buying shares of Amalgamated Widget or ordering fleece-lined slippers from L.L. Bean — just as normal as any guy in a suit talking on his Capt. Kirk Star Trek Communicator.

        • Mascots: If someone proposed a tourist attraction where visitors are harassed by seven-foot rodents and barnyard animals as they stand in line waiting to be strapped into mechanical devices that scare the corndogs out of them, you might laugh. It's called Disney World. And the only thing that separates the same thrills and chills from downtown Cincinnati is — mascots.

        A giant, furry Mike Brown, cheese coney or Ken Griffey Jr. could turn downtown into a “theme park.”

        • Image: Trying to cover up racial problems with words like “disturbance” and “troubles” is not working. The Chamber of Commerce should face it head-on and try a new slogan:

        “Downtown: It's a riot.”

        Besides, what I've seen at the malls lately looks a lot like Over-the-Rhine in April without the bricks.

        Remember: If we don't support downtown, visitors will soon look at our skyline and ask, “Why did Cincinnati build two stadiums next to a crater?”

        All we need for Christmas can be summed up in a few heartwarming, inspirational words:

        Free valet parking — everywhere.

        E-mail: pbronson@enquirer.com. Past columns at Enquirer.com/columns/bronson

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