Run me over with a reindeer. Jab a sticky, gooey candy cane into my eyes.

        Make me sweep up after four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.

        Deck my halls with anything but Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (8 p.m. Friday, Channel 64).

        I'll admit it: I once thought Dr. Elmo Shropshire's novelty Christmas song was cute. But now he has stretched the 3 1/2-minute song into a one-hour WB cartoon.

        On my Christmas TV list, it's one of the worst, right along with Bluetoes the Christmas Elf and The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus.

Sent to North Pole

        Everyone knows Grandma's tale almost as well as that reindeer with the shiny nose. You could even say she glowed, tipsy from too much egg nog, as Grandma staggered into the path of Dasher or Donner on Christmas Eve.

        True to the song, the family doesn't go out searching immediately for Grandma — although her grandson saw the holiday hit-and-run. They wait until Christmas morning. Wouldn't you?

        Unlike the song, they can't find her in the snow. Turns out that she lost her memory in the accident, and Santa carted her off to the North Pole.

        This shifts the story to the greedy niece called “Cousin Mel” in the song. (Can't have a Christmas show without a greedy business owner!) She plots to sell Grandma's gift shop to the wealthiest man in town.

        This also allows Dr. Elmo to sing three more songs: “Grandma's Spending Christmas with the Superstars,” “Grandma's Killer Fruitcake” and “Grandpa's Gonna Sue the Pants Off Santa.”

        Ho, ho hum.

        To make a long story short, the grandson finds amnesiac Grandma and brings her home. Then Cousin Mel and her attorney, I.M. Slime, (Aren't we clever!) kidnap the old lady and demand that Santa be arrested for her disappearance.

        Got the feeling that you know too much already? Don't worry, I won't bore you about Santa's trial, which goes till Christmas. Meanwhile, all little grandson Jake wants for Christmas is his grandma back.

Not special

        Me, all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. And Jimmy Durante narrating Frosty the Snowman. And Burl Ives' Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, despite its blatant discrimination against “misfits.”

        In my house, it's not Christmas season until we see our favorite timeless treasures: How The Grinch Stole Christmas, White Christmas, A Charlie Brown Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street, the 1947 original with Edmund Gwenn and Natalie Wood.

        We never watch the 1994 remake of Miracle of 34th Street, or the 1970s version with David Hartman. Add Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer to the long list of Christmas specials that aren't special.

        When I'm making our annual holiday TV list, and checking it twice, I'm amazed at all the holiday junk on TV. Like the two-part Baywatch Christmas episode (concluding 6 p.m. today, TNN), Rudolph's Shiny New Year (6 p.m. Thursday, Family Channel), or Life and Adventures of Santa Claus with its ugly monsters (7 p.m. Thursday, Family Channel).

        Even Charles Schulz failed in his 1980s sequel to A Charlie Brown Christmas, which CBS aired only once.

        The truly special Christmas specials are the ones you can enjoy year after year. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer will never be one of them, and won't be the last “misfit.” Bad Christmas shows sprout each year like Chia Pets.
       

        Contact John Kiesewetter by phone: 768-8519; fax: 768-8330; e-mail: jkiesewetter@enquirer.com.
       

Heroes in the kitchen
'Ring' has magical powers
Bad Christmas specials tend to snowball
Authentic magenbrot recipe remains secret
Authentic tamales steaming in Newport
Recipe Rehab
Smart mouth
Body & mind
Healthy reading
12 gifts that say you shop locally
Kids get a 'Kick' out of Christmas party
Get to it