There comes a time when you just have to stand up for what you believe in. And I believe in standing up to demand a piece of the boycott action before it's too late.

        As President, CEO and Eleventy-Star General of the Coalition of Really Annoying Protesters, I represent thousands of members. But don't ask who they are because their names are secret. Even to me. I guess you could say I appointed myself, but if you don't like it, then go make up your own group and appoint yourself a clever name. This CRAP is mine.

        My demands:

        1. End the discrimination. The boycott has blacks, gays, ministers, homeless guys, rioters, Bill Cosby, city residents and people who wouldn't know a three-way from a Graeter's double-dip. But the boycott does not have one single straight white guy from the suburbs who listens to country music. Racism? You be the judge.

        2. Economic justice. I work just as hard as Ken Griffey Jr., and I can tell you I don't make what he spends on Ferraris. There will be no healing until I get a salary like his.

        3. Amnesty. As long as boycotters are demanding a free pass for rioters, looters and thugs who dragged people from their cars and beat the white out of them, I'm demanding amnesty for “commuters.” Talk about oppressed. We pay city taxes and can't even vote. Tax amnesty could wreck the city's economy, but if the boycott succeeds, who will notice?

        4. Programs. Boycottistas are demanding billions in new “programs.” I want one of those too. I'm tired of working for a living. I want to loiter at City Hall and make a loud nuisance of myself like the Rev. James W. Jones and Gen. Kabaka Oba.

        5. Keep out! I demand the right to send boycott letters to tell people to stay the heck out of Cincinnati, starting with Jesse Jackson, O.J., Al Sharpton, O.J., Bill Clinton, O.J., Al Gore and, oh yeah, O.J.

        6. Get outta town. And while we're at it, I'd like to ask the people who obviously hate our city to leave, such as Miami University Professor Dan LaBotz, who told City Beat Cincinnati should be labeled a “rogue” city like South Africa; and Juleana Frierson, the boycotter who tells preposterous whoppers about our city.

        (Hey, if this was easy, I wouldn't have to make demands, I'd just ask.)

        7. More cheese. I want a one-cent sale at Saks, and extra cheese at Skyline — permanently.

        8. Get out of jail free. I want the Cincinnati police to stop all the black-on-black gun violence — but don't arrest anyone or shoot back.

        9. Mucho dinero. The rest is just parsley. What I really want is money. About enough to buy Covington should be adequate. Other people have more money than I have. That's not fair. I want their bank accounts, their stocks, their houses and their German sports cars. And don't forget the Reds tickets. (Keep the Bengals seats.)

        10. Uncivil rights. I demand a meeting with the mayor for secret negotiations — so I can not even show up and still get more press than he does.

        And I demand a humongous commission to study hundreds of boycott demands and make a report.

        It's the only way to save our city. If another CAN commission can't strangle the boycott with delays and excuses, nothing can.

        Contact Peter Bronson at 768-8301; fax: 768-8610; e-mail: pbronson@enquirer.com. Cincinnati.Com keyword: Bronson.

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