Even the occasional reader of women's magazines can't help notice a certain, well, lack of reality among the editions.

        No matter the title or intended audience, it seems every issue includes articles on how to cook faster, look better, improve your love life and raise perfect children. And if it's Martha Stewart Living, it also includes a project or two involving a glue gun and chicken wire.

        I envision the typical editor of the so-called women's book as a well-educated, thirtysomething Manhattanite who wears a size 4 (designer labels only), has live-in help (both for the house and the kids) and truly believes a Cindy Crawford-designed pair of “slimming Pleather pants” would be a great choice in maternity wear.

A magazine for me

        That's why I'm looking for a publisher for my new title. My target market: fleshy, middle-aged moms who drive cars as old as their oldest kid, serve meals with pasta five nights a week and would seek to improve their love life if only they could remember if they have a love life.

        In other words, it will be a magazine for women like me.

        In fact, I'm calling the publication ME! And just like Rosie and Oprah and occasionally Martha Stewart, I will appear on the cover of every issue, my armed draped not around a celebrity — too predictable — but my hairdresser, the kids' pediatrician, the guy who cleans our gutters and other everyday heroes. And even though I don't know her, I'm hoping to recruit Kelly Ripa once or twice a year, too, because she seems to like to pose for magazine covers.

        Inside each issue will be the usual mix of recipes, weight-loss strategies and lists (“250 Ways to Fold Underwear”), but with angles designed especially for the Everywoman reader I hope to attract.

My topics list

        In the first issue:

        The Men I Love: This is the story about ME! with all the men in my life. The cover pictures ME! with my plumber, turning over yet-another $95 check for snaking out yet-another clogged drain. Inside are more pictures of ME! — tousling the hair of the kid who waters the grass when we're out of town, air-kissing the nice clerk at Bigg's who takes my $200 each week, frowning at the postal carrier who hands me a stack of bills each day.

        Transitional Dressing: Instead of ensembles that take you from the office to a cocktail party, ME! features transitional clothes that work as well for an early-morning trip to the grocery store as they do for a late-afternoon trip to the grocery store. We key on kicky outfits of pants with stretchy waistbands and tunics that cover those trouble spots — all in colors to match your kids' favorite meals.

        Spice Up Your Love Life: How to Cool Your Man's Ardor with Liberal (But Careful) Use of Cayenne Pepper: With these recipes, ME! readers will never have to invent a headache again.

        Stick-to-Their-Ribs (and Everything Else) Dinners: Keeping with the genre fondness for lists, ME! offers 27 recipes with Bisquick and syrup for nights you really can't be bothered by meals with nutrition.

        Weekend Getaways for Two: This piece talks about the benefits of ditching the kids for a rare weekend of intimacy. In the interest of fairness, the ME! editor (that's ME!) offers a counterpoint piece called Weekend Getaways for One.

        Under Wraps: In our section for new parents, we've got a 12-step spread on how to wrap a new baby in a blanket, a photo explaining each step. Swaddling Baby includes some sweet jokes about Linus and his blankie. (Oh, wait, we had to kill that. Martha did it last spring. Wouldn't you know she'd take all the really good ideas first?)

        The Art of Embarrassment: Here, ME! parents learn surefire ways to turn their teens and preteens red in the face, with helpful fill-in-the-blank conversational starters such as, “Hey, did you hear the Farkles are moving and did I tell you Phil Jr. is spouting (blank) from his (blank)?”

        Out of Sight: In our health section, we ask whether your family needs a trip to the optometrist with a story called “Selective Senses: Why No One in the House Except You Sees the Pile of Books, Papers and Toys on the Stairs.”

        The Pet Test: ME! house-care consultant Sally Swiffer shows her chops in her debut column, arguing that dust mopping is necessary when, and only when, you mistake the hairball hiding under the bed as your shy family cat.

        Each month, ME! will turn to women just like ME! — and you, assuming you are a fortysomething, carpool-driving, stressed-out mother who hasn't seen size 4 since age 4 — for the real stories of family life.

        Look for issues of ME! — motto: No Mother Looks Like Kelly Ripa Without a Nanny and Personal Trainer — at a newsstand near you soon!

        Contact Patricia Gallagher Newberry via www.marriedwchildren.com.

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