Have you noticed that liberals suddenly hate the sound of the word “liberal” the way a dog hates a trombone?

        They are now “progressives.”

        Nobody asked me, but I think their new name sounds like a Japanese car. Honda Prelude. Nissan Quest. Isuzu Progressive.

        As far as I know, “conservative” is only an insult in newsrooms and college faculty meetings.

        But call liberals “liberal” and they will take umbrage with both hands. They will take offense by the truckload.

        I guess I missed the news story about the sudden switch to “progressive.” It just happened overnight, like removing Enron signs from the Houston Astros ballpark.

Your father's philosophy

               I figure there must have been a secret memo sent to dues-paying liberals only.

        Something like this:

        TO: All leftists, soak-the-rich socialists, anti-war activists, former (and still) Marxist radicals, tree huggers, Hillary Clinton voters, members of the Chappaquiddick Survivors Reunion, closet communists, New York Times reporters and editors, members of the “Gore in 2004 Committee,” Hollywood actors, NEA artists, ACLU lawyers, NOW feminists, all Democrats except Dusty Rhodes and Ken Lucas and 93 percent of the audience for Irrational Public Radio (this is a partial list).

        Brothers and Sisters:

        Our tedious analysis of election results from the past 40 years indicates that “liberal” is now the Oldsmobile of politics.

        It belongs on the ash heap of history.

Left out

               According to our focus groups, liberals have been “dead wrong” about Clarence Thomas, socialized medicine, Ronald Reagan, the Soviet Union, AIDS risks for straights who are not junkies, global warming, campaign finance reform, gay Boy Scout leaders, media bias, affirmative action, the Gulf War, the current war, the next war, terrorism, abortion, the military, light rail, taxes, Social Security, SUVs, missile defense, the death penalty and, most egregious, Bill Clinton (this is a partial list — a full report is being prepared by Arthur Andersen).

        Because the word “liberal” has been dented beyond repair by repeated head-on collisions with reality, the Politburo of Political Correctness has decided to replace it with “progressive.”

        Our new name sounds bold and forward-thinking, while it implies that anyone who opposes us is a dangerous regressive who would turn back the clock to the dark days when children could pray in school.

        But rest assured, we have no intention of abandoning our ideology, music or fashions from the Age of Aquarius.

        We encourage progressives to continue to label conservatives using names from our Handbook of Invective: Neanderthal, country-club Nazi, homophobe, bigot, sexist, warmonger, right-winger, extremist, fundamentalist and “worse than Peter Bronson” (this is a partial list — note that “Gingrich” has been replaced by “Ashcroft” on page 73).

        Brothers and sisters unite: We have nothing to change but our name.

       Contact Peter Bronson at 768-8301; e-mail: pbronson@enquirer.com. Cincinnati.Com keyword: Bronson.

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