They were rich. They'd wave their arms and call me Hon'.

        “Hon', I need a double vodka martini, very dry. Just pass the vermouth bottle over the rim of the glass.”

        “Avocado and sprouts, hon'. Pumpernickel. Make sure they cut off the crusts.”

        One woman always wanted crisp bacon on her BLT. One wanted Tab with lime. One wanted me to help her with yard work. Uh-huh.

        Everyone should spend some time as a server. It's great training for the rest of your days. Because unless you are independently wealthy or incredibly fortunate, you will have somebody snapping his fingers at you for most of your working life.

        I was sitting in a sports bar in Pittsburgh last week with a stranger. March Madness was playing on multiple big screens, the place was jammed. The guy had a table and asked me if I wanted to join him. “Yeah, OK,” I said.

        Nice guy. Sold advertising for a local magazine. Well dressed, educated, interesting.

        He ordered a salad. “Italian dressing,” he said. “Sprinkle a little on the salad, put the rest on the side.”

        He ordered alfredo. “Make sure the fettuccine is firm,” he said. It came with bread. “Margarine,” he instructed. “I can't eat butter.”

        He requested orange juice. “It has to be fresh.” He sent the first glass back. He decided it was “bitter.”

        He had dessert. A scoop of vanilla ice cream. Then another. Then a third.

        “How come you didn't just get all three at once?” I wondered. Because three together would constitute a sundae, he said. That would cost more. Ice cream by itself was 99 cents a scoop. He had our server come back twice with new bowls and fresh single scoops.

        We watched all of one game and half of another. Three hours. The guy's bill came to $28. When we got up to leave, he put $1 on the check tray. In change.

        Brian Kubicki is a server at Carlo and Johnny in Montgomery, a corner of Jeff Ruby's local steakhouse empire. It's a classy place. Before this, Mr. Kubicki worked at the Hyde Park Grill in Columbus, where he once waited on Tiger Woods. Tiger's bill came to $700, which management comped. Mr. Woods left no tip.

        Mr. Kubicki has lots of stories like this. I talked to him and four other servers at Carlo and Johnny. Serving is a grin-and-bear-it occupation. You might average a 20 percent tip. But there are enough Tigers and Three Scoop People out there to keep you humble.

        These guys are good waiters. If they weren't, they wouldn't be where they are. The stories they tell would curl your manners. If you go out to eat occasionally, they have some gentle suggestions:

        • Twenty percent tips are standard now.

        • The verbal tip — “you did a great job for us” — doesn't pay the cable bill.

        • A reasonable time to eat is two hours. If you stay four hours, double the tip. Servers depend on turnover.

        • The cost of the wine figures in the total bill.

        • If you say you're “going to take care of them,” do so. Servers split their tips, usually giving a third to the bus help, the bartender and others. They make $2 an hour, without tips. They pay taxes on everything they earn.

        • Don't run up a $332 bill and leave an $8 tip. Ex-Bengal Corey Sawyer did that.

        • Don't leave change.

        • Don't snap your fingers.

        • Don't call anyone Hon'.

        • If you want three scoops of ice cream, order a sundae.

        • Don't think you're better than your server simply because he (or she) is waiting on you. Here's a tip: Humility is priceless.

        Bon appetit.

        Contact Paul Daugherty by phone: 768-8454; fax: 768-8330; e-mail: pdaugherty@enquirer.com.

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